Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best thing about this weather is the short skirts & low cut tops.............. Even if they do make me look a but gay!

   Call me when there's a Royal Honeymoon video....

   Someone make an I-phone app that can tell me what my blood alcohol level is. 

   Jerry "The King" Lawler, Number One Contender for the title!!!!!!!

   Sometimes all you need is a good beer a walk and a talk to realize all you Need is a good beer a walk an a talk..

   I think those who are leading our nation should wear shock collars!

   I recently visited a mental asylumn, and I asked the director "how can you know when a person needs to be institutionalized?" He said, "Well, we fill a bathtub with water, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask them to empty the tub." I sa

   Why is it that a woman can get a tattoo of a naked fairy sitting on a half moon and its sexy, but when a guy gets a naked wizard making love to a dragon its creepy?

   Sort of rude to kiss your husband right in front of me when I've been looking at your boobs from behind a tree for 20 min.

   People will soon be saying "google plus me" instead of "facebook me" ... Smh

   Google: I have everything! Facebook: I know everybody! Internet: Without me you are nothing! Electricity: Keep talking!

   "This is your status update.sƃnɹp uo ǝʇɐpdn snʇɐʇs ɹnoʎ sı sıɥʇ. Any questions?"- Nancy Reagan

   I hate Fridays that aren't payday. Sometimes this day makes me wish I had a Viking Helm so I could walk into the payroll office and yell "It's MY money and I need it nooooow!!!"

   I love when you go down on me! you relieve so much stress and tension but when I feel it getting good you go back up.... DAMN GAS PRICES!

   Admit it, at least once you have sat in school and strategized about singlehandedly saving the class if a madman with a gun showed up.

   If they weren't meant to be used to get attention, God would've put boobs in a different place.

   When I become president, I'm keeping a magic 8 ball on my desk. That's how I run a country...

   Driving home today I saw a guy in a pink snuggie jogging. Sadly that's not the craziest thing I've seen in this town.

   Royal Wedding+Media=Dead Horse

   You can tell a lot about a person by how many times they hit re-fresh...