Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We could learn from crayons. Some are sharp, some dull, some pretty, some have weird names, and all are different colours... but they all live in the same box.

   It's better Casey Anthony is found not guilty. Let her try and survive amongst the public.

   My girl says I'm too nosey... at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   The best thing about this weather is the short skirts & low cut tops.............. Even if they do make me look a but gay!

   Call me when there's a Royal Honeymoon video....

   Someone make an I-phone app that can tell me what my blood alcohol level is. 

   Jerry "The King" Lawler, Number One Contender for the title!!!!!!!

   Sometimes all you need is a good beer a walk and a talk to realize all you Need is a good beer a walk an a talk..

   I think those who are leading our nation should wear shock collars!

   I recently visited a mental asylumn, and I asked the director "how can you know when a person needs to be institutionalized?" He said, "Well, we fill a bathtub with water, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask them to empty the tub." I sa

   Why is it that a woman can get a tattoo of a naked fairy sitting on a half moon and its sexy, but when a guy gets a naked wizard making love to a dragon its creepy?

   Sort of rude to kiss your husband right in front of me when I've been looking at your boobs from behind a tree for 20 min.

   People will soon be saying "google plus me" instead of "facebook me" ... Smh

   Google: I have everything! Facebook: I know everybody! Internet: Without me you are nothing! Electricity: Keep talking!

   "This is your status update.sƃnɹp uo ǝʇɐpdn snʇɐʇs ɹnoʎ sı sıɥʇ. Any questions?"- Nancy Reagan

   I hate Fridays that aren't payday. Sometimes this day makes me wish I had a Viking Helm so I could walk into the payroll office and yell "It's MY money and I need it nooooow!!!"

   I love when you go down on me! you relieve so much stress and tension but when I feel it getting good you go back up.... DAMN GAS PRICES!

   Admit it, at least once you have sat in school and strategized about singlehandedly saving the class if a madman with a gun showed up.

   If they weren't meant to be used to get attention, God would've put boobs in a different place.

   When I become president, I'm keeping a magic 8 ball on my desk. That's how I run a country...