Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women may never understand the enjoyment from putting a warm coffee mug between their legs in the morning. ‪#‎warmnuts

   I'll stop being creepy when you stop sending me telepathic messages that you secretly want me.

   I hate when you’re having sex and after an hour or so, you realize it’s only been 32 seconds.

   Thanks, commercials. Thanks to you, handing my wife a Snickers has become a "statement."

   Dear Obama, Have you tried sending a mix tape to Syria? Try Africa by Toto. Nobody can resist Africa by Toto.

   Women have designer purses because they need something stylish to carry their crazy in.

   I wonder if Patrick Swayze goes up behind people in pottery classes and hugs them just to make other ghost laugh.

   Couldn't stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.

   My hot neighbor put a fence around her pool so I bought a trampoline.

   I am woman, hear me misinterpret

   Have as much sex as possible while you're still single. You can abstain when you get married.

   Despised or idolized... either way I'm recognized!

   Jesus saves..., He passes to Moses!; Moses shoots!..., HE SCORES!!

   not on speaking terms with his liver

   Bad Spellers Untie!

   if men had periods they would brag about the size of there tampons!!!

   If they REALLY wanted us to have a happy period tampons would vibrate

   would like to thank the 5 supreme court justices that allowed us to keep one of our civil rights today. Long live the 2nd amendment!!

   Trump is such a horrible politician. I can't believe that he's actually doing what he promised he would do before the election.

   ■Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?