Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just sneezed so hard I think I opened a time portal.

   Conscience is that inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking.

   AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

   This unicorn sitting next to me is saying that I drank too much.

   Vegeterian- ancient tribal name for man that can't hunt.

   Its up to you if you want to sneak your IPod into a meeting. Just don't do an air drum solo. It gives you away.

   dont you hate it when you grab the last Capri Sun pouch and theres no straw to attached it with

   Its been 8 minutes since anyone has posted anything new... What r you b*tches planning and why wasnt I invited...

   Lindsay Lohan? Uhh, throw her in prison for the next 3 years, see if we care.

   After reflecting back on the movie Young Guns, I would say Charlie Sheen finally made it to the "spirit world"

   The karaoke guy got cut from American Idol last night...maybe you should be nicer to people...ya prick.

   Am I the only once who noticed Michael Jordan has a hitler mustache in the Haines commercials?

   One of the high points about me working Sunday mornings...is reading the status updates people post after a night of drinking!

   Are you guys really my friends or are you just my facebook friends?"

   digesting the fact you've moved onto better things.. LOL JKS you're new boyfriend looks like a retard.

   Its a bit awkward when you don't realize how many curse words and sexual innuendos a song has in it until you're in the car listening to it...with your grandma

   *Logs onto FaceBook and reads* 5 song lyrics, 2 people telling what they're doing right then at that very moment, 3 stupid pictures of food or funny faces, 4 attempts at a witty remark, 1 truly funny witty remark, and a person who likes 75 pages.

   The only Christmas movie I can even remotely relate to is "Bad Santa." And you damn right I want some sandwiches.

   Me: Wow everything seems right for once. Life: Hold on let me f*ck it up.

   I called out my wife's name during sex and she walked in to see what I needed. Won't do that again.