Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Learned two lessons today. 1) Kitchen sex can be wild and exciting. 2) The staff at The Olive Garden are very narrow minded.

   You think it’s hard to train dogs? We can’t even get people to sit and stay

   I put four beers in each room of the house, now I;m going to get cleaned up and go bar hopping

   I tried bringing sexy back but the lady at Walmart assured me I didn't get it there.

   I haven’t wanted to drink an ice cold beer this bad in a bar since I was underage.

   I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit’s door.

   For sale slightly used daily planner.

   Let's be real, most people who signed up for Facebook didn't have a social life to begin with so staying at home should be easy.

   Well at least before the coronavirus I got in plenty of practice socially distancing myself thanks to facebook.

   me: [yawning] might get dressed today coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

   This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

   If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

   When quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.When quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.

   Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

   Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

   My female doctor told me I'm really sweet. Well, she actually said I am severely diabetic but I knew what she meant.

   While I was at the hospital , I noticed I parked in the "C" section of their parking lot..... So, of course, I climbed out of the sunroof !

   Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

   Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

   I have come to the realization that I have a problem with alcohol. I don't get nearly enough of it.