Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing says “I believe in you” more than when a waiter gives you a single napkin.

   Just ghosted a guy for the first time. What do you guys usually do with the body?

   I'm afraid if I start working out, I'll be too sexy.

   I really didn't need to know that Toad thing from Mario Kart.

   "Flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing. Boy did I learn that one the hard way.

   Lady, are you a Kardashian because I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

   If you run out of money at the fair, remember you can eat as much mustard & ketchup as you want for free.

   I'm that type of a guy who puts a song on repeat until the artist begs for water

   Men, if you are birthday shopping on a budget you can buy your wife two roses from a florist or a whole rotisserie chicken from sams.....just saying.

   When I'm not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.

   If a woman is crying and you don't understand why - congratulations! you're a Man now

   Statistics say more than one third of marriages start online. The other two thirds will end online

   Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch

   To help prevent teen pregnancy. High schools should hand out a C.D. of a crying baby instead of comdoms.

   Ths girl tweeted "your adorable" and I tweeted back "no, YOU'RE adorable" and now I think she completely missed the typo

   Some guy knocked on my door earlier today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I replied, "You've got the wrong house then mate."

   My New Years resolution for losing weight starts in February 2018, January was spent looking for a decent diet plan ! #strong

   Boss called and wants a meeting, asks how does 3:00 sound? BONG BONG BONG, silly boss

   My wife caught me cheating yesterday. Was a stupid and careless mistake. She said she's never going to play Monopoly with me again

   Lets behonest.. Apart from "I love you" and "I miss you" which other jokes do you know? ??