Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't wanna make this weird but that's just kinda how I do things.

   What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.

   The saying goes "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all."....Well I guess today will be another silent day for me.

   Hey CHOP, try spelling lessons for lent. . .

   Maybe that plane doesn't want to be found, have you ever think about that?

   My heart says yes but my wife says no!

   Yes tell everyone who cares to listen about how Monday sucks so we all know what a bore you are.

   Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pri.ck

   If you don't take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?

   Nothing has ever bothered me more than when a math question ended with “how many people does it take?” and your answer had a fraction.

   Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can't think of a good reply"?

   'You have me now', I whisper as I delete all the contacts from your phone.

   Listen, you're a great girl. I'm sure you'll find the right filter for your selfies someday.

   If some people knew what I was capable of they'd surely be nicer to me.

   "More power to him" is the polite way to say "What a freakin' wacko".

   If you don't have anything interesting to say, say it in a status update.

   Skiing is my favorite way of getting a head injury while freezing to death.

   with great power,come's a great electric bill.

   would rather have a cure for the common hangover than the common cold.

   Love means nothing in tennis, but it's everything in life