Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are you waiting with baited breath because it sure smells like it.

   Cringing in regret is my cardio

   You're in charge of your own happiness, I tell myself, refilling my drink.

   85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the "she" in her story is.

   I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

   Polly wolly doodle all the day?.. In this economy?

   I'm not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant.

   If I drank decaf coffee I'd be one of those girls that doesn't swallow, too.

   Good to see Brian Williams back on TV all these years after he pulled me from the rubble on 9/11.

   Remember when you were 12 and were like "I can't wait to be older" and now you're older and your like "I hate my life, I want to cry everyday." LOL. Good times.

   Relationship status: Looking for a good woman to stand up to my mom for me.

   Moms: I used to be cool and do cool things. Now I just argue with a smaller version of myself about how to use the toilet.

   Siri, how many calories does digging your own grave burn?

   When writing the story of your life don't let everyone hold your pen...

   My wife doesn't like the way I eat, drink, sniff, dress, breath, laugh or cook, but according to this Valentines card she gave me I am perfect in every way.

   I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic....I'm spiritual.

   A shout out to hotel maids who have to change the sheets on February 15th.

   The smartest thing I never did, was get married. . .

   Kanye West makes a song about gold diggers, but now has to ask Mark Zuckerberg for money.

   Asking how my day at work went is like asking how a drive-by shooting went....I'm just happy I got out alive!