Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   never drink before a 1st date for confidence. I did once and ended up marrying him.

   I'm an organ donor, but I'm pretty sure all they're going to use is my liver for *after* photos.

   Don't allow your hurt to transform you into someone you are not.

   There must be a lot of people who need glasses...so they can see things my way.

   I spend 40 hours a week in the friend zone... therefore I'm entitled to benefits!

   Guilty people answer questions with a question

   It's amazing the things you'll do while procrastinating; it's almost anti- procrastination. It's like "Well, I just re-read all 7 Harry Potter books learned fluent German and mastered the ability of knife throwing... But I still didn't start that essay"

   If I'm on a date & its bad, I'm just gonna stand up & say "I'm an actor, they're all actors & you're on MTV's Disaster Date!" & run out.....

   I don't " hate you"....I just dislike you so much that bile wells up in my esophagus when I think of your existence

   I was at a restaurant last night and I thought I saw a family praying at the table. It turned out they were only texting.

   Before you give me any advice I'd just like to say how ungrateful I am.

   Getting really into filling life's emptiness with carbs.

   I like you. You're just the right amount of dysfunctional that I'm attracted to.

   Sometimes I just feel like stopping, collaborating, and listening.

   Well, the weekend certainly lived up to it's reputation.

   My house would be a lot more vacant if I could communicate in Roach & Spider language.

   Drunk love is better than crazy love.

   Why is it all the good ones are taken? Or have taken out restraining orders?

   Women should support other women, not cut them down. Unless she really is a b!tch, then carry on ladies.

   i've been looking for the key to happiness....apparently it isnt on my keyboard or my phone