Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is lemonade made with artificial flavor, while furniture polish is made with real lemons?

   I have depression. A friend suggested I need to get out more so I went to the beach. Now I have a Tropical Depression.

   Got some good financial news today. The kid I've been sponsoring in some third-world country got eaten by a lion.

   I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll keep you posted.

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

   I can't get a break. I bought a can of evaporated milk, opened it up...it was full.

   So what caused GM to beg for a bailout 10 years ago. I am sure it wasnt bad management

   Like this status if you're the type of person who likes to carry all your groceries into your house in one trip, but then realize at the front door you have so many bags in your hands you can't get the keys out of pocket.

   Come on people now Smile on your brother Everybody get together Try to love one another Right now

   I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

   Had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm tonight...The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy!

   Before mowing the lawn I always spend an hour pricing goats on the internet.

   God gave his own Archangels Weapons ... Because even God knew you don't fight Evil with tolerance and understanding.

   .... When I was waiting in the examination room for my prostate exam, When I asked the doctor where I should put my pants ... "Over there beside MINE" ... wasn't quite the answer I was expecting.

   Sex with someone that doesn’t want to is rape. I thought that was marriage?

   English is confusing because "booty call" and "butt dial" mean very different things.

   I can't decide whether to vote for the crooked liar or the lying crook...

   I just watched Discovery's "How It's Made" and, honestly, I'm never eating another urinal cake again.

   Left and right wing extremists hate moderates with a passion. It's beyond their limited comprehension to grasp the plausibility in seeing a little truth in both sides.

   Relationship status: woke up next to an empty pizza box