Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't get a break. I bought a can of evaporated milk, opened it up...it was full.

   Had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm tonight...The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy!

   Before mowing the lawn I always spend an hour pricing goats on the internet.

   God gave his own Archangels Weapons ... Because even God knew you don't fight Evil with tolerance and understanding.

   .... When I was waiting in the examination room for my prostate exam, When I asked the doctor where I should put my pants ... "Over there beside MINE" ... wasn't quite the answer I was expecting.

   Sex with someone that doesn’t want to is rape. I thought that was marriage?

   English is confusing because "booty call" and "butt dial" mean very different things.

   I can't decide whether to vote for the crooked liar or the lying crook...

   I just watched Discovery's "How It's Made" and, honestly, I'm never eating another urinal cake again.

   Left and right wing extremists hate moderates with a passion. It's beyond their limited comprehension to grasp the plausibility in seeing a little truth in both sides.

   Relationship status: woke up next to an empty pizza box

   He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.

   my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

   My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger?

   Sure are a lot of gender reveals for their being no genders

   the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

   When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

   I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll keep you posted.

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

   a sneaking suspicion that we've read this before. if you read them here 5 or 10 pages ago odds are we did too.