Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times they chase me down the street after I give them a wedgie.

   Dear Newsy, If you keep playing old news stories on repeat its no longer called Newsy, it's called History.

   Math Rock is a term meant to describe music that is complex in rhythmic structure. But in reality, all rock is Math Rock. Some is Calculus, some is Algebra, some is Arithmetic and some is Pre-K Introduction to Numbers.

   How the hell did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?

   I still have the Wooden Nickels I collected as a kid. I was an early investor in Birchcoin.

   If you want to capture someone’s attention, whisper ~ Creepy Joe

   Damn, it's hotter than a spoon at Hunter Biden's house outside.

   Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Night gets longer. Life gets better. Wait... what? The humidity? Kindly disregard all.

   Did you know one of the Vaccine side effects is improved Eyesight ? After 2 doses you'll find you can now see the light at the end of the Tunnel.

   I'm glad McDonald's doesn't sell hotdogs. I'd feel really awkward ordering a McWeiner, and don't even get me started on Super Size.

   Hey, guess what me and Rudy Giuliani have in common? We both can't practice law in New York.

   Where exactly do they find those hot women in the calendar on the wall behind the front counter at the mechanic's garage? Enquiring minds want to know.

   All I said to the person in front of me at the grocery store checkout line was "beautiful mustache"...a COMPLIMENT. Then, for no reason at all, she got all angry, gave me a dirty look, grabbed her purse, and walked out....

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff some guys pay money for in later life.

   Coolant means something else when it comes out of the engine lid when you've been driving for 30kms

   hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

   an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

   Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

   Father’s Day just keeps getting bigger every year, thanks to DNA testing.

   Honey is one of my favorite kind of animal vomit to eat.