Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is the official day for guys to start their Xmas shopping

   Wait...you mean I can make phone calls with this selfie machine?

   I didn't sleep well last night, so I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I got to work and realized I forgot my car.

   A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

   when filling out the app. for my drivers license it ask for my race, I put down nascar...

   I like the scene where Superman and Batman are having a picnic and then Ant-Man tries to steal their food.

   To stay healthy this April, I'm only going to eat the white part of the Cadbury creme eggs.

   Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

   "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"...is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.

   Ran my first 10K this morning. Just kidding, I'm on my third donut

   I renewed my driver’s license today and was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica.

   I bet Snowmen think it's weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.

   The one thing they never warn you about, but really should.. is that when you get older, cramp during masturbation is a very real danger.

   .... All I ever want is to make you smile ..... Well, That ..... and maybe some bacon ..

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a freak.

   Twitter is the gym membership of the internet

   Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?

   If you say Snoop Dogg's name three times in the mirror, your weed will disappear.

   Please just put it in the fridge.... We'll throw it away next week.

   You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.