Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lime flies when you're having rum.

   My wife just nominated me for the "would it kill you to refill the ice trays every once in a while" challenge?

   that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Neither, it's my new iPhone.

   Ok. Who the frig showed my grandma how to start "group texts" ?!?

   I'm just looking for a reason not to drink

   Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.

   If Timehop is good for one thing, it's to remind me that I peaked a few years ago...

   If the girl at this fast food drive-thru really wanted to help me she’d tell me why my dad left.

   Squirrel 1: Got directions to across the road?.. Squirrel 2: go left, straight, left, right, right again,back, then just friggin run.... Squirrel 1: nice

   The fastest way to lose friends... Simple... Just loan them money! Sad but true!!

   You know you haven't gotten enough sleep when you wake up and your mouth still smells like toothpaste.

   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now.

   Screw this weather! I'm moving to Petticoat Junction where the sun is always shining and beautiful women skinny dip in the local water tower. I'll be staying the The Shady Rest.

   I'm wondering why the phrase, "It's none of my business" must always be followed by, "but?"

   Drugs have taught an entire generation of canadian kids the metric system!

   wants an iPad! Not crazy about the name though...sounds too much like an electronic feminine hygene product

   The excrement made physical contact with a hydro-electric powered oscillating air current distribution device.

   My father told me "never hit a man while he's down, kick him! It's a whole lot easier!"

   The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch.