Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the girl at this fast food drive-thru really wanted to help me she’d tell me why my dad left.

   Squirrel 1: Got directions to across the road?.. Squirrel 2: go left, straight, left, right, right again,back, then just friggin run.... Squirrel 1: nice

   Drugs have taught an entire generation of canadian kids the metric system!

   wants an iPad! Not crazy about the name though...sounds too much like an electronic feminine hygene product

   The excrement made physical contact with a hydro-electric powered oscillating air current distribution device.

   My father told me "never hit a man while he's down, kick him! It's a whole lot easier!"

   The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch.

   Sarcastically Delicious!!!

   The fastest way to lose friends... Simple... Just loan them money! Sad but true!!

   You know you haven't gotten enough sleep when you wake up and your mouth still smells like toothpaste.

   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now.

   Screw this weather! I'm moving to Petticoat Junction where the sun is always shining and beautiful women skinny dip in the local water tower. I'll be staying the The Shady Rest.

   wishes they'd make an app that turns my iPhone into a taser..

   I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

   I'm wondering why the phrase, "It's none of my business" must always be followed by, "but?"

   Kate Gosselin had a garage sale , she did good.... she has 3 kids left.

   She takes a backseat to no one. But will get in the back seat with anyone.

   The McRib is like the IRS...Both come around once a year, and when they do everybody cringes!!!

   believes that all you need in a tool box is Duct Tape and WD40. If it moves and shouldn't, use Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use WD40