Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm looking forward to the day when Jesus points to me, and turns to our Father and says, "This one is mine!"

   Has anyone thought about the fact that Mr.KRABS lives in BIKINI BOTTOM?

   moving the furniture out of the room because the dog and I are going to breakdance battle...oh it is ON!!!!

   Don't get me wrong, I believe in God. I just don't trust anybody who works for him.

   Once you go black, the white man don't want you back !

   calculating the cost of a train ride to Hawaii

   Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks back and change batteries in smoke alarms.

   Be careful who you trust, the devil was once an angel.

   Do you think the guy that invented the vibrator heard voices saying. "If you build it...they will come"?

   The grammy aint for b lacks. You got BET and Soul Train Awards.

   "When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it."

   Women are only terrible at parking because we're constantly being lied to about what 9 inches is

   "Hi" "Hi" "Did you eat?" "Did you eat?" "Are you copying me?" "Are you copying me?" "I love you!" "Yeah, I ate already.."

   me+alcohol+nintendo64=profanity out the ass

   I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

   "I like big butts and I cannot lie" - homeless guy digging in an ashtray

   I posted on Facebook I was no Gynagoligist,but i'll take a look. I got "17 people like this.And best of all 5 appointments !

   Just ONCE would I love to see a girl I know in a porno

   Boy: I wana fu*k you so hard right now. Girl:What?! Boy: Stupid autocorrect! Hey what you doin later? Girl: But, we're talking face to face.

   Studies have finally discovered what is wrong with the male brain. On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the rightside, there is nothing left!