Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My doctor said that jogging could add years to my life. I didn't believe him at first, but I went this afternoon and I feel ten years older already

   OJ Simpson is back in court. He's gained weight. Apparently the only knife OJ has been using lately is the butter knife.

   diagonally parked in a parallel universe

   Being bisexual is the ability to reach down someone's pants and be satisfied with whatever you find.

   Stevie Wonder's nephew was charged with trying to extort his famous uncle....I guess Stevie never saw that coming!

   What do you call a woman who talks and wants to cuddle after sex? ......A taxi.

   Blaming guns for killing people is like blaming forks for making Rosie O'Donnell fat.

   How to get comments on facebook......oops I thought this was google

   I survived Y2K, Bird Flu, Mad Cow, 9/11 and Swine Flu. 2012, Here I Come!

   went to the sex shop to get a new toy and is now very disappointed. I picked the big red one featured on the wall., and they told me to pick another one. Supposedly, that was their fire extinguisher...and here I thought it was just cleverly named!

   I was in the nany for about 40 minutes until they kicked me out. Turns out the poop deck isn't what I thought it was. Man were they angry.

   Only in America would they name a State after a bucket of fried chicken.

   Gonna try grocery shopping drunk. Can't believe I've never thought if this before.

   wondering if you can do me a favor? Tell me if this rag smells like chloroform.

   Don't waste your time on things that only hurt you, and remember to forget those who forget you.

   America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

   Man I wanna throw a book at someone face and be like "I Facebooked you!" Lol

   If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.

   Beat it. Beat it. No one wants to be defeated. Shongda hupfucky. Homga shuntvight. It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right.

   The Zoo is a safe place to fart.