Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just got my newspaper. Apparently, there's a hurricane headed for the east coast...

   Dopers all over the United States morn as Hostess announces it is shutting down operations. No more sno-balls, Twinkies, King Dons, and other comfort foods. On a brighter note, stock in Cheetoes has gone thru the roof!!!!!

   Jesus doesn't care if my gift to you comes from the dollar store and neither should you.

   are we gonna hear it all day about the stupid date? ooohhhh the numbers are the same. all my cheerios are the same too but I dont tell everyone about it everytime it happens

   Older people who have sex on a regular basis may have a better chance at avoiding dementia. But there's no such luck for anyone who happens to walk in on them.

   Will Obamacare cover my coffee expenses since it is a medical necessity?

   Busting your a$$ is not covered by Obamacare... don't risk it people...

   "Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs' Anonymous meeting.

   Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports

   Judge: You're sentenced to death. You'll be hung. Wife from the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG. Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife

   Episode 21: MacGyver fixes his broken heart using nothing but a lighter, a spoon, and a syringe full of heroin.

   I bet if you look at my cells under a microscope they all have little frowny faces.

   Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I'm sobering up.

   I am about tired of all this frozen global warming!

   Watching hurricane reporter standing in the surf. The weirdness in me is waiting for a shark to get him. Sorry.......

   Understand women?....I think it would be easier to drive to Hawaii.

   Me: "What color hair does the tooth fairy have?" My son: "Red, because it is you. I don't believe in fairies." My other son: "Her hair is gray. She colors it." Maybe I should have taught them to believe in fairies.

   You can not even fathom the immensity of the f*ck that I don't give about the Royal Wedding....

   I don't accept blame well, but it's not my fault.

   I have a low tolerance for pain... but the up side I can endure A LOT of pleasure.