Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Will Obamacare cover my coffee expenses since it is a medical necessity?

   Busting your a$$ is not covered by Obamacare... don't risk it people...

   "Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs' Anonymous meeting.

   Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports

   Judge: You're sentenced to death. You'll be hung. Wife from the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG. Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife

   Episode 21: MacGyver fixes his broken heart using nothing but a lighter, a spoon, and a syringe full of heroin.

   I bet if you look at my cells under a microscope they all have little frowny faces.

   Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I'm sobering up.

   I am about tired of all this frozen global warming!

   Watching hurricane reporter standing in the surf. The weirdness in me is waiting for a shark to get him. Sorry.......

   Understand women?....I think it would be easier to drive to Hawaii.

   Me: "What color hair does the tooth fairy have?" My son: "Red, because it is you. I don't believe in fairies." My other son: "Her hair is gray. She colors it." Maybe I should have taught them to believe in fairies.

   You can not even fathom the immensity of the f*ck that I don't give about the Royal Wedding....

   I don't accept blame well, but it's not my fault.

   I have a low tolerance for pain... but the up side I can endure A LOT of pleasure.

   u know you have drank to much vodka when you start speaking russian...

   Put Party Rock Anthem as my Alarm so I wake up shufflin..

   refuses to see a doctor whose office plants have died.

   Just killed a spider for stepping on my shoes.........#ThugLife

   Leaving Facebook for Twitter is like leaving the bar to go home.