Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "The best kinda 'jobs' are under the table." - Bill Clinton

   State Department informed hillary about the email investigation so she could destroy any evidence. She trained and gave weapons to a ISIL to go fight in syria. She thinks Gays are unnatural dirty and nasty. Gay marriage is acceptable to keep their vote

   In Trump's opinion, his staff member who made fun of John McCain's terminal illness isn't a "traitor," but the people who told the press about it are.

   Never trust a woman who doesn't fart. You don't know what else she might be holding back.

   Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.

   Zuckerberg claims he wears a gray t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things tht don't matter. BTW, he created Facebook.

   My super power? forgeting what I’m talking about halfway through a sentence

   My house was once haunted by a poltergeist so I walked around naked for a week and it never came back...

   I'm mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.

   My bucket list, is just me wanting to sit on a throne,, and slow clap sarcastically after somebody's speech.

   Shutting the government down is just an excuse from spiteful idiots in congress to get a free paid vacation.

   Turning on someone's seat warmer in the car without them knowing is a good way to have them think they're peeing their pants for a minute.

   The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn't even apply for the job.

   I bet the first person to see a sun set was all like, "well... this ain't good"

   FYI: When you graduate from vegetarian to vegan you are legally required to put a racing stripe on your Prius

   When you are married, there is no such a thing as a "bad blow job".

   I always carry a very specialized custom survival knife, but it's not sharp. It's for cake or pie emergencies.

   I am not acting childish and you're just a big doody-head.

   Cat hair is lonely people glitter.

   Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed on them