Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sarah Palin has filed to have her name trademarked and will eventually become Sarah Palin ®. That is, unless she quits halfway through the paperwork.

   ~ Proud to be the winner of the sperm race ~

   Quite certain that my cat, as he lies here “purring” beside me, is plotting ways to kill me in my sleep. Or at least a clever plot that will ultimately end up in me finding a turd in my shoe in the morning.

   The other day, I read something that made me piss myself. It was a sign, it said "Toilets closed."

   A lot of my friends and relatives are getting married, I don't go all out on gifts anymore after my marriage, I just buy them all the same thing, a label machine- and with it a card that says in two years you will thank me…

   DADDY isn't defined as the man who makes the child, but rather the man who extends his hands and time to help with the child's needs, raising and giving his heart to love the child through anything. !!! BLOOD Doesn't always make you a DADDY! Being a DADDY

   Man is it cold outside...just want to give a shout out to whoever invented the padded bra...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

   I also think Facebook should change “Friends” to “People with whom I have made eye contact”.

   Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.

   Predict how many offseason NFL injuries will there be. Come on, take a stab at it.

   Never trust a dog to watch your food.

   Games Nursing Staff HATE playing on at a Nursing Home: 5) Ollie, Ollie Ijustpeed 4) Guess what's on My Shoe 3) Here we go Loopty Poo 2)Red Light, Green Light: A Game of Incontinence Care 1) Follow the Leaker

   When work gets monotonous I go for a long sit down potty Break. Then I can honestly say to my boss "Hey! I'm one of the few people who actually gives a sh*t around here!"

   Though I love and embrace all the cultures of the world, I still have to laugh when the guy at the customer service center in India says "What's up, bro? My name's Dave. How's it going?"

   Bumper stickers from past elections are the tramp stamps of the automobile world.

   Everyone is fighting their own battle, to be free from their past, to live in their present and to create their future

   Don't worry Hef, Playmates are like buses, another one will come along in 30minutes.

   Before You go out with a widow, you must first ask her what killed the husband.

   In 2 years, the "situation" will change his name to the "cancellation" followed shortly by the "bankruptcy declaration"

   I really hope cell phones aren't bad for us, but I would like the excuse: 'I can't talk right now, because I think you're giving me cancer.'