Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I also think Facebook should change “Friends” to “People with whom I have made eye contact”.

   Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.

   Predict how many offseason NFL injuries will there be. Come on, take a stab at it.

   Never trust a dog to watch your food.

   Games Nursing Staff HATE playing on at a Nursing Home: 5) Ollie, Ollie Ijustpeed 4) Guess what's on My Shoe 3) Here we go Loopty Poo 2)Red Light, Green Light: A Game of Incontinence Care 1) Follow the Leaker

   When work gets monotonous I go for a long sit down potty Break. Then I can honestly say to my boss "Hey! I'm one of the few people who actually gives a sh*t around here!"

   Though I love and embrace all the cultures of the world, I still have to laugh when the guy at the customer service center in India says "What's up, bro? My name's Dave. How's it going?"

   Bumper stickers from past elections are the tramp stamps of the automobile world.

   Everyone is fighting their own battle, to be free from their past, to live in their present and to create their future

   Don't worry Hef, Playmates are like buses, another one will come along in 30minutes.

   Before You go out with a widow, you must first ask her what killed the husband.

   In 2 years, the "situation" will change his name to the "cancellation" followed shortly by the "bankruptcy declaration"

   I really hope cell phones aren't bad for us, but I would like the excuse: 'I can't talk right now, because I think you're giving me cancer.'

   wondering if the White house will have a going out of business sale?

   waiting to see the FB pics from Casey Anthony going out tonight.

   Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they're out of control.

   okay! if anyone wishes me "May the 4th be with you!" one more time. He's gonna get a kick up his wookie.

   I use to be nice, nice guys finish last, so I did what any smart person would do; I adjusted....

   Women are like fine wines; you can try to sell them at auctions, but Liam Neeson will find you, and he will kill you.

   I'm not calling you an idiot, but I wouldn't be surprised if you have googled "how to breathe."