Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think hugs are often mistakenly give where a swift kick in the ass would be more appropriate...

   I bet Ke$ha could change her name to 'WhiteTra$ha' and no one would ever know the difference.

   A 100-year-old man ran a full-length marathon today. And then a 40-year-old man sent a tweet about it while eating ice cream on his couch.

   Subscribe to me here on facebook for as low as $1.99 a month! First 100 subscribers get a free 'like' on one of their posts from me.

   Heading to Wal-Mart to put my holiday sweatpants on layaway. Anyone need a BB gun or a bucket full of awesome?

   Two problems with auto-flushing toilets: A) when they flush before you're done. B) when they don't flush & you can't find the button.

   I am more impressed with those who ask good questions than I am with those that have good answers.

   any day above the ground is a good day

   Your sex is on fire...? No slut... thats called herpes.

   The problem with women is they will assume everything but the position.

   instead of clapping at the state of the union they should yell "Dilly Dilly"

   A gorilla is killed in a zoo, Facebook blows up! A 2 year old gets killed by an alligator, I've seen one post in two days...Yup, that's the society we live in!

   Deplorable and Proud. -My new T-Shirt

   I think you're giving hillary a lot of credit calling her a "trailer park". She's a tent site, at best.

   What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

   Just remember when you vote that they care more about party than country.

   One candidate wanted to make America great. The other wanted to get RICH

   A Jehovah's Witness guy showed up at my door so I invited him, I sat him down and said, "So, what do you have to tell me?" He said, "I don’t know, I've never made it this far."

   If Justin Bieber thinks he's the Kurt Cobain of this generation why hasn't he killed himself yet?

   Does ke$ha go by k€sha when she's in Europe?