Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   any day above the ground is a good day

   Your sex is on fire...? No slut... thats called herpes.

   instead of clapping at the state of the union they should yell "Dilly Dilly"

   The problem with women is they will assume everything but the position.

   A gorilla is killed in a zoo, Facebook blows up! A 2 year old gets killed by an alligator, I've seen one post in two days...Yup, that's the society we live in!

   Deplorable and Proud. -My new T-Shirt

   I think you're giving hillary a lot of credit calling her a "trailer park". She's a tent site, at best.

   What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

   Just remember when you vote that they care more about party than country.

   One candidate wanted to make America great. The other wanted to get RICH

   A Jehovah's Witness guy showed up at my door so I invited him, I sat him down and said, "So, what do you have to tell me?" He said, "I don’t know, I've never made it this far."

   If Justin Bieber thinks he's the Kurt Cobain of this generation why hasn't he killed himself yet?

   Does ke$ha go by k€sha when she's in Europe?

   Doctor: Sir, you will have to stop masterbating. Me: Why?? Dr: Because I'm trying to take your blood pressure.

   To all the people who failed out of school, just remember 2 things: 1. You tried your best! 2. I said no tomatoes on my burger, b1tch!

   Yo momma so fat, your family tree leans on one side!

   Why am I single? Oh, because I like to have guilt free casual sex with a variety of women.

   at Ground Zero instead of a mosque they should construct a couple of tall buildings for global trade and commerce. They should be called something like the World Trade Center

   finally knows why leprechauns laugh when they run...? It's because the grass tickles their nuts...

   NO AMNESTY!!!. Real Americans don't want it!!