Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Egypt is set to announce a new working Constitution. To which the U.S. is asking “Where can we get one of those?”

   wondering what part of "I can get your phone number off the bathroom wall if I wanted to call you" didn't she understand?

   Naps are like good songs, they're never long enough.

   Stop everything you're doing... Think about me... You're welcome...

   Remembers a conversation with my X – she asked, “John what would our Brangelena name be as a couple” - I said, “Junt”

   Amy Winehouse has completed re-hab and claims she is clean & sober. She also wants to be known as Amy Grapehouse.

   The only thing that could make this pizza better would be an s.

   I download illegally simply because I simply don't want to pay for stuff

   Thinks it's time to start working out. I'm used to my stomach jiggling when I brush my teeth, but now it won't stop until I finish rinsing.

   I must find time to practice for my vuvuzela recital.

   Likes being vague.. because its almost as fun as doing this other thing..

   just passed a holiday cocaine drug bust. It looks like some people are gonna be denied a white Christmas this year.

   that people think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

   the best part of not having a life...is not having to worry about a mid-life crisis

   strongly abides by the motto: "Safety third."

   I don't tell lies, just fiction short stories

   I'm doing what I've always done... Learning from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

   Today is a whole new day to f*ck up!

   If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

   Stop looking at your phone. No one texted you.