Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just to be different, I cry about being single on the 4th of July, and celebrate Valentines Day with explosives.

   Some people don't realize they lost a good thing until they see the next person enjoying and appreciating it.Then suddenly they want it back.

   If you can't tell if a girl is fat or pregnant, don't say anything.

   I can honestly say LinkedIn is the sh!ttiest dating site I have ever signed up for. All anyone ever wants to talk about is work.

   A real woman avoids drama like a plague, for she knows her efforts and time are too precious and to be wasted on little minded people and their tantrums.

   I still say the gas stations should play some porn on their Pump TV's , might as watch something good while I am being screwed at the pump.

   Facebook should get a B*tch Slap button, because we all know sometimes pokes just aren't enough!

   When I was young, pop and lock described the way I liked to dance. Now, it describes what happens to my knees when I stand up.

   Egypt is set to announce a new working Constitution. To which the U.S. is asking “Where can we get one of those?”

   wondering what part of "I can get your phone number off the bathroom wall if I wanted to call you" didn't she understand?

   Naps are like good songs, they're never long enough.

   Stop everything you're doing... Think about me... You're welcome...

   Amy Winehouse has completed re-hab and claims she is clean & sober. She also wants to be known as Amy Grapehouse.

   The only thing that could make this pizza better would be an s.

   I download illegally simply because I simply don't want to pay for stuff

   Thinks it's time to start working out. I'm used to my stomach jiggling when I brush my teeth, but now it won't stop until I finish rinsing.

   I must find time to practice for my vuvuzela recital.

   Likes being vague.. because its almost as fun as doing this other thing..

   just passed a holiday cocaine drug bust. It looks like some people are gonna be denied a white Christmas this year.

   that people think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.