Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How many times do I have to roll my eyes to burn any calories?

   stopping by the Wachovia bank yesterday to exchange money. The teller asked me to fix all the bills to face the same way and straight 'em out while chit-chatted with her co-worker. WTF was her job description say?

   Semi-colons don't get enough credit. They should be re-branded as super-commas...

   Dear Patron, now that you helped me gain my confidence, can you please help me find my car?

   I fight evil wherever it may be....except in dark scary places.

   The car stopped with a jerk. Then the jerk got out.

   I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

   always relates everything he does with sports even when he's not watching or playing sports, well if anyone wants to know the score for today's game it was the Lawnmowers 42, Frogs 0."

   Researchers at the university of Minnesota have linked tanning beds to brain damage. They were able to do this after watching only one episode of "Jersey Shore".

   Happy fathers day to all you dads out there. ADVICE: Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. :)

   thinks the fastest way to being happy is to make others happy. You go first.

   going to have to start following my brain. Clearly, my heart is an idiot.

   Don't worry about life, you're not going to survive it anyway.

   Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway

   stuck between a rock and someone I want to hit with it.

   Stubbing your toe is only a light switch away.

   Can we go one day without hearing about the Vikings drama! Moss, Favre, Childress, Harvin, etc.... Fire Childress and get it over with Ziggy! He sucks as a coach anyway.

   thinking we need to change the term "Big Brother" to "Creepy Uncle."

   Typos: The cause of many trivial arguments.

   I consider gluttony my patriotic duty today.