Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   always relates everything he does with sports even when he's not watching or playing sports, well if anyone wants to know the score for today's game it was the Lawnmowers 42, Frogs 0."

   Researchers at the university of Minnesota have linked tanning beds to brain damage. They were able to do this after watching only one episode of "Jersey Shore".

   Happy fathers day to all you dads out there. ADVICE: Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. :)

   thinks the fastest way to being happy is to make others happy. You go first.

   going to have to start following my brain. Clearly, my heart is an idiot.

   Don't worry about life, you're not going to survive it anyway.

   Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway

   stuck between a rock and someone I want to hit with it.

   Stubbing your toe is only a light switch away.

   Can we go one day without hearing about the Vikings drama! Moss, Favre, Childress, Harvin, etc.... Fire Childress and get it over with Ziggy! He sucks as a coach anyway.

   thinking we need to change the term "Big Brother" to "Creepy Uncle."

   Typos: The cause of many trivial arguments.

   I consider gluttony my patriotic duty today.

   no matter how many years go by I still always end up getting banished to the kid table.

   Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. ~Jane Wagner

   Don't tell me I'm insulting your intelligence when it's obvious you have none

   Words of wisdom: Just be yourself, everyone else is taken.

   When you find someone who finally understands you, the world will go away.

   You know you've been married to long when your wife's favorite toy in bed is an Iphone

   Now that KFC has dropped the phrase "Finger licking good" maybe Doritos could use it.