Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once she gets out of the 'spraying my face with mace' phase in our relationship she will get a better understanding of my love for her

   Know what more people in this world need?????? Exit wounds.

   just seen someone write “10Q” to mean “thank you“ and I wouldn’t even be mad if there was another Noah like flood in the next few minutes.

   I don’t think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.

   Sometimes I wish I had more middle fingers.

   My kid took his coffee in the shower with him so there's really no need for a DNA test. He's mine.

   "Earth" without "Art" is just "Eh".

   Bikini season is just around the corner. Unfortunately, so is the taco food truck.

   There are teenagers out there that are having unprotected sex but have indestructable cases for their phones. Let that sink in for a moment....

   I went in for my weekly visit to my Psychologist. I told him that I sometimes feel like I'm a Cat. He wanted to know how long have I felt that way... I replied, "since I was a Kitten."

   A perfect Monday night: 7 pm -- Ahh yes Chinese food!!! 7:15 pm -- I'm so full. 7:30 pm -- Ahh yes leftover Chinese food!!!

   I hate my job but it pays for my alcohol and I need alcohol because I hate my job.

   You know you are pissed off when Eminem starts to make sense.

   When you said we should go for drinks, I didn’t know you meant together.

   Now that I failed with this year's New Year's resolutions I can get on with the rest of it guilt free.

   Bear Grylls should take the spoiled rich kids from MTV's My Super Sweet 16 to live in the wild and name the show "Grylls Scouts"

   My business card is just a piece of toast.

   Remember when Vanilla Ice said "anything less than the best is a felony?" Its because nothing rhymes with "breaking and entering misdemeanor"

   - What should we name this creature with big feet? "Bigfoot". - And what about this tiger with saber teeth? "Saber tooth tiger". - How about this beaver duck? "Platypus"

   Happy day after St. Patrick's day...also known as untagging yourself from photos day.