Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, as I open the bag

   According to research, sex during pregnancy is always safe — unless your wife comes home and catches you.

   True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

   "Oh, Darwin! Oh, Scientific Method!" -things atheists say during sex.

   Pro athletes are just modern day court jesters who are only here to entertain us.

   I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn't wait to tell her bye.

   there wasn't a coronavirus until you mofos started making those brooms stand up by themselves

   So,...about these murder hornets, do you send them a list of names or what? How exactly does it work?

   My fiancee keeps asking, "Are you even listening to me?" Which is a really strange way to start a conversation

   No, Sorry.. I don't watch dancing with the.. who gives a f#ck. .

   I miss Paris Hilton..... we had it good in 2002. Too bad you kids are stuck with the Kardashians today.

   She texted me, "Are you near your phone" I texted her back, "No" She replied, "well text me when you are!"

   I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

   I have a very short attention span. Sometimes I bacon is delicious

   My new phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian. That my dear people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.

   Just wondering if you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

   "No more Mr. Nice Guy" ~ Mr. Nice Guy's eulogy

   I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.

   If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...

   I can count on half a hand the number of industrial accidents I've had