Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn't wait to tell her bye.

   there wasn't a coronavirus until you mofos started making those brooms stand up by themselves

   So,...about these murder hornets, do you send them a list of names or what? How exactly does it work?

   My fiancee keeps asking, "Are you even listening to me?" Which is a really strange way to start a conversation

   "Oh, Darwin! Oh, Scientific Method!" -things atheists say during sex.

   Pro athletes are just modern day court jesters who are only here to entertain us.

   Bruce Jenner must be so confused today

   Nothing lightens up the G7 Summit like a little low-brow humor.

   I didn't go to the gym today,....but the cashier's name at Macdonald's was Jim...sooo same thing.

   Bachelor is a guy who will never find out how many faults he has.

   I can count on half a hand the number of industrial accidents I've had

   Once she gets out of the 'spraying my face with mace' phase in our relationship she will get a better understanding of my love for her

   Know what more people in this world need?????? Exit wounds.

   just seen someone write “10Q” to mean “thank you“ and I wouldn’t even be mad if there was another Noah like flood in the next few minutes.

   I don’t think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.

   Sometimes I wish I had more middle fingers.

   My kid took his coffee in the shower with him so there's really no need for a DNA test. He's mine.

   "Earth" without "Art" is just "Eh".

   Bikini season is just around the corner. Unfortunately, so is the taco food truck.

   There are teenagers out there that are having unprotected sex but have indestructable cases for their phones. Let that sink in for a moment....