Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No Grandma, “sausage fest” is not a new special breakfast at IHOP

   Legally changing my name to Pumpkin Spice Latte so my wife will love me more.

   Penicillin led to the decline of western syphilization.

   “I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, as I open the bag

   According to research, sex during pregnancy is always safe — unless your wife comes home and catches you.

   True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

   No, Sorry.. I don't watch dancing with the.. who gives a f#ck. .

   I miss Paris Hilton..... we had it good in 2002. Too bad you kids are stuck with the Kardashians today.

   She texted me, "Are you near your phone" I texted her back, "No" She replied, "well text me when you are!"

   I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

   I have a very short attention span. Sometimes I bacon is delicious

   My new phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian. That my dear people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.

   Just wondering if you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

   "No more Mr. Nice Guy" ~ Mr. Nice Guy's eulogy

   I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.

   If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...

   To celebrate St Patrick's Day, I think I'll go to my favorite Irish restaurant. McDonalds.

   Coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc, This is why I don't give eeffoc until I've had my coffee!

   I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex. Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

   Shout-out to Mother Nature for not giving snakes wings...