Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DAMMIT ... Please stop texting me when I'm texting you ..... Now I have to change my text!!

   I hope Hillary can unite our country and bring dignity back to....oh, never mind.

   Remember, you can see something or you saw something. You can't seen something...

   Ladies, ladies, ladies. Seriously, some of your status updates makes me wonder. Maybe you just need to get laid. . .

   Fast Food was never intended to sustain a person indefinitely ..... Neither were Fast Food Jobs ....

   They shun Ryan Seacrest and give Kobe an Oscar. I guess the message is, don’t talk about it, just shut up and rape.

   > Unsubscribe from LinkedIn > Delete email account > Sell house, live in woods > Find bottle in river > Has note inside > It's from LinkedIn

   To celebrate St Patrick's Day, I think I'll go to my favorite Irish restaurant. McDonalds.

   Coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc, This is why I don't give eeffoc until I've had my coffee!

   Bruce Jenner must be so confused today

   Nothing lightens up the G7 Summit like a little low-brow humor.

   I didn't go to the gym today,....but the cashier's name at Macdonald's was Jim...sooo same thing.

   Bachelor is a guy who will never find out how many faults he has.

   I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex. Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

   Shout-out to Mother Nature for not giving snakes wings...

   Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

   I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

   No Grandma, “sausage fest” is not a new special breakfast at IHOP

   Legally changing my name to Pumpkin Spice Latte so my wife will love me more.

   Penicillin led to the decline of western syphilization.