Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My body language must be in a foreign language because nobody seems to understand me.

   I liked my mirror from 10 years ago much better than the one I have now...

   I love a woman that can shoot a gun, but I fear a woman with good aim.

   I bet socks and disposable contact lenses have abandonment issues

   I should've asked for eight maids a-milking.

   i just found out liquid dayquil has alcohol in it.. no wonder I feel so good

   I think I had too much to think :-(

   "I need you to understand something that I can never explain." ~ Heart to brain.

   The funnest thing about the end of a relationship is being honest about why you pretended to love each other.

   The only time to lower expectations is 30 minutes before the bar closes

   If I forget my iPhone when going to the bathroom, I don't care if its the directions on toothpaste, I'm reading it.

   Jealousy makes you look insecure. And fat

   A lot of the foreplay for morning sex starts way before the girl beside me wakes up.

   Weirdos seem to be drawn to me and if I let my guard down for just a moment, I get stuck with some idiot telling me their life story.

   "Vigorous sex can give you temporary amnesia." To be honest, sex with me is pretty forgettable anyway...

   Arkansas just passed a law allowing guns in church. Now I have to come up with another excuse...

   I wanna be with a woman who’s stupid enough to never leave me.

   Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.

   what's the 800 # I text my votes to for my favorite Pope??

   it's spring break around here and judging by the FB posts, all teachers hate their jobs..