Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only time to lower expectations is 30 minutes before the bar closes

   If I forget my iPhone when going to the bathroom, I don't care if its the directions on toothpaste, I'm reading it.

   Jealousy makes you look insecure. And fat

   A lot of the foreplay for morning sex starts way before the girl beside me wakes up.

   Weirdos seem to be drawn to me and if I let my guard down for just a moment, I get stuck with some idiot telling me their life story.

   "Vigorous sex can give you temporary amnesia." To be honest, sex with me is pretty forgettable anyway...

   Arkansas just passed a law allowing guns in church. Now I have to come up with another excuse...

   I wanna be with a woman who’s stupid enough to never leave me.

   Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.

   what's the 800 # I text my votes to for my favorite Pope??

   it's spring break around here and judging by the FB posts, all teachers hate their jobs..

   I can’t control you're being an idiot, but I can control whether or not you’re on my friends list.

   when people say that drinking is not the answer, it makes me wonder if they truly understand the question.

   I just watched a grown man chase a rabbit for 5 minutes. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in this town that's not a window licker.

   The biggest mistake of my life is that I said yes, when I meant to say no.

   Question: if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie apocalypse problem?

   Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!..

   My wife said I was immature so I willed my comic book collection to my friend Steve instead.

   Friends who buy you food are friends for life.!!

   If it is irrational, dangerous and psychologically damaging, call me and let's go for it.