Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   head and shoulders needs to come out with a new shampoo. called knees and toes

   I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying

   The stuff I never tell anyone is so much more awesome than the stuff I tell everyone.

   Remember, they're laughing with you, not at you. They're only pointing at you so you know who they're laughing with.

   Wanted: Friend with benefit. I'm not selfish, you don't even have to enjoy it!

   One packet of Kool-Aid 10 cents, one pitcher to put the Kool-Aid $2.00, drinking all the Kool-Aid and putting the almost empty container back in the fridge and having the wife blame and b*tch out the kids for it, PRICELESS

   there are two types of people in the world; Those who know how to handle stress and those who need bail money

   Some of the ingredients of Taco Bell meat "filler" isolated oat product, soybean based anti dusting agent and silicon dioxide (better known by it's street name sand). It's like your mouth has gone to the beach to take a vacation from meat.

   don't ask me how my nap was. I slept through it. That's how my nap was!

   A lock of Justin Bieber's hair is on auction on ebay current bid at 10,000 $ no wonder the worlds gone to the dogs

   20/20, Piers Morgan, Howard Stern........ I think the only show Charlie Sheen hasn't been on in the past three days is Two And A Half Men!

   I bet you 20 dollas I'm broke

   People should understand a smile is not an invitation for a conversation.

   I'm going to go protest corporations todmorrow. I'll wear my shirt from Macy's, grab my Cannon camera, hop in my Jeep® Grand Cherokee Laredo and tell my friends on facebook® (via my iPhone) to join me! (We'll be meetin up afterward at Starbucks)

   After hearing the news that an AirFrance jumbojet clipped a Delta Airlines plane, France immediately surrendered.

   The best things in life are free...............So how many kittens do you want?

   "I'm laying by the pool. Better take a picture of my legs and post it on the internet." - Girls

   If you wouldn't say it in person, dont say it online.

   if ignorance is bliss then there are a sh#t load of people in paradise

   I heard you are good at mathematics! Can you replace my X without asking Y?