Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn't socially acceptable for some reason.

   Wild horses could drag me away from anything. They're wild horses. The more important question is: who tied me to these wild horses?

   Don't forget to pay your taxes this year so the Government can give it to people that don't work as hard as you.

   Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?

   Some people solely exist to test your patience and self-control.

   If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".

   Hawaiian Airlines is now offering new "open seating" in the wheel well section.

   I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.

   my wife says to me "your nuts" I reply "what about them"?

   I think what I'm thankful for most this Thanksgiving is not having to read thirty more days of what everyone is thankful for.

   Welcome to Killadellphia, no if ands or Bots!

   I'm sorry I'm so emotional bro. It came with these skinny jeans and selfie stick.

   The internet completely changed the way I avoid doing stuff

   Sending us to the couch is not as bad as you think it is ladies. It makes us feel manly... like we're camping... with an angry bear nearby.

   Never mess with someone who has access to your toothbrush.

   'Saint West' sounds like the name of the Patron Saint of big butts & narcissistic rappers.

   The "Reply All" button should be password protected...and you should have to answer a simple math question...and be required to name the Vice President. There...THAT should solve THAT problem.

   Very impressed with the quick action and massive protests by Black Lives Matter in Chicago this weekend protesting the death of 15 young Blacks so far in July. HAHA ... Just kidding .... They don't really care about black deaths in Chicago.

   Tom Brady's jersey would have never been stolen if we had a wall. There, I said it.

   Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.