Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   But in dog beers, I only had one.

   Kids, if you "can't afford tuition" because the payment on your new car is so much, you're doing it wrong...

   it just me or has Aunt Jemima lost weight

   I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

   Bruce Springsteen is 65 years old today. Now when he's dancing in the dark, it's because of cataracts.

   Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...

   No its not "cute", its actually quite slutty looking, and yes I love it!

   "... And for dessert, we have NyQuil."...... *Me, if I were a parent

   PRO TIP: Keep your man's balls deflated so he won't be able to bounce them around the playground.

   Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn't socially acceptable for some reason.

   Wild horses could drag me away from anything. They're wild horses. The more important question is: who tied me to these wild horses?

   Don't forget to pay your taxes this year so the Government can give it to people that don't work as hard as you.

   Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?

   Some people solely exist to test your patience and self-control.

   If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".

   Hawaiian Airlines is now offering new "open seating" in the wheel well section.

   I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.

   my wife says to me "your nuts" I reply "what about them"?

   I think what I'm thankful for most this Thanksgiving is not having to read thirty more days of what everyone is thankful for.

   Welcome to Killadellphia, no if ands or Bots!