Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Few women admit their age; few men act it.....

   Warning: going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday. Please note that staying awake all night does not prevent Monday. There is no cure.

   I don't understand the concept of a Freudian slip. It doesn't make any sex to me at all.

   waiting for everyone else to post their birthday message on my buddy's wall so I can cut and paste the one I like best.

   Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?

   Well someone has to be sober.......NOT IT!

   Sex is like Chinese food. 2 hours later, you want more.,

   Hooters needs to change its logo, all these years I thought I was eating owl wings.

   dont get married just find a woman you hate and buy her a house

   off to FL for an oil change! What a "crude" joke.

   went to the supermarket to buy some fresh food but could only find dead animals & plants...

   I figured out Victoria's Secret. She's hungry.

   The next time you're in Walmart, hide in a clothes rack and when someone is looking through the clothes come out and say "WELCOME TO NARNIA" :)

   Have you ever noticed that people who snore seem to always fall asleep first?

   You don't have to like me. I'm not a facebook status.

   3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the worlds population

   changing my Facebook name to "Nobody", that way I can 'like' a stupid status and it will read "Nobody likes this."

   Love is trusting someone around your butt-hole.

   I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don't know anything about cars, but I do know how po rn starts off

   Facebook event invites are the Jehovah's Witnesses of the Internet