Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   off to FL for an oil change! What a "crude" joke.

   went to the supermarket to buy some fresh food but could only find dead animals & plants...

   I figured out Victoria's Secret. She's hungry.

   The next time you're in Walmart, hide in a clothes rack and when someone is looking through the clothes come out and say "WELCOME TO NARNIA" :)

   Have you ever noticed that people who snore seem to always fall asleep first?

   You don't have to like me. I'm not a facebook status.

   3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the worlds population

   changing my Facebook name to "Nobody", that way I can 'like' a stupid status and it will read "Nobody likes this."

   Love is trusting someone around your butt-hole.

   I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don't know anything about cars, but I do know how po rn starts off

   Facebook event invites are the Jehovah's Witnesses of the Internet

   I swear am going to climb my neighbours fence, steal his fu*king barking a*s dog, put it in my yard and see how he likes to be kept awake all night long.

   wonders “Why its called a walkie talkie, yet a vacuum isn't called a pushy sucky???”

   Facebook Gurls are sooo silly,U post the Sluttiest Photos of Ur self, & then you get Pissed when sum1 calls you Ugly,Cry when sum1 calls you fat,& offend By The Creepy guys friend request,grow up,& put sum cloths on

   Comply & you don't die. Pretty simple concept.

   I also propose that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque to promote tolerance in the mosque. We could call them "The Turban Cowboy"and "You Mecca Me Hot."

   beating his record for consecutive days alive!

   The Bible teaches you to love - and the Kamasutra explains how

   So I told my friend there is a new app for iphone where you can measure a pools temperature by putting the phone in the water.... Droid users 1 Apple 0

   such a thrill seeker. when I see "caution wet floor" signs, I speed up.