Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   (╮°-°)╮┳━┳ ( ╯°□°)╯ ┻━┻ *flips table* Who the hell drank my beer!

   #HoodTranslations101: "Sh*t just got real" = The situation has escalated to the highest point of seriousness & is no longer a laughin matter

   I always though a "Super Moon" was a regular moon but with a little nut sack showing.

   wishes I would have got a new cell phone from Santa this year.. This rotary texting is really a drag.

   Where is the “good” in goodbye?

   on itunes below "Party in the USA" by Miley Cryus, it said "Listeners who bought this also enjoyed, 'Sounds of People Farting into a Mic."

   wondering why Band*Aid doesnt make ethnically colored bandages

   workin' hard all week to put beer on the table.

   Gave a hot guy at the bar a high five, came back over to my friends and said yeah....I hit that.

   At what point does CPR become necrophilia?

   can hit the snooze button, with eyes closed, while half asleep, in 1.7 seconds, the first try, every time

   The sign outside the Burger King that says Now Hiring Closers is obviously spelled with a silent C.

   attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete... ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

   I bet the hardest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who's always right.

   Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of sh!tting on you.

   Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

   My cat will only eat the most expensive cat food out there.....and also lick his own butt hole.

   It really shouldn't be that hard to convict Bill Cosby. Everyone knows that the proof is in the pudding!

   Reading new book: Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury

   I hear Black Sabbath and Blue Oyster Cult are planning a reunion. They're going to call it the White and Gold Tour.