Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can you believe that people are actually paying Atheists $150 to take care of their pets after the Rapture???!!! I'm just mad because I paid more than that for them to harvest my crops on Farmville.... :(

   I am either going to hell or the rapture was a hoax!!

   The coffee maker is moving so slow, it's upsetting the space-time continuum.

   All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!

   I really don't have time to date. My iTunes library is very high maintenance

   A flash mob sounds alot more fun then it actually is.

   "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

   When you start complaining that all your dreams have not come true, you have to realize that also means that dream about you forgetting your pants at home

   If anyone tells you they've lost their voice, they're lying.

   Our housing estate has a small, resident ghost that helps out during hard times. It's nice to have a little community spirit.

   There is Waaay to much stuff moving around on Facebook! My ADD is definately getting the best of me now!

   All I pray is that when I die the death certificate does not contain the phrases "straining at stool" or "unusual mummification".

   My optic nerve crossed with my a$$hole, and gave me a sh*tty outlook on life.

   " IDK Google it " When your kid asks you a question you know nothing about.

   It's really annoying when the feeling of your dream remains, but you can't remember what the dream was about.

   Chicken pot pie. My 3 favorite things

   I'd like to know what Obama or Romney propose to do about Youtube buffering.

   Can someone ask Al Gore how early Biden should show up at the VP debate? The altitude is 984 feet....I'm concerned

   I just had a "Stand your ground" moment with a black snake in my backyard, I hope the news media doesn't find out about it and instigate more rioting.

   Before you judge me: deal with what I've dealt with, Feel what I've felt, Survive what I've survived, Master what I have mastered and Overcome what I overcame.