Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yawning is just a silent scream for coffee

   At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy. I loved that wheelchair.

   Just added 'Wandering Around the Parking Lot Looking for My Car' as another Track Exercise on my Fitbit.

   Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on my kid's head.

   You have a better chance of running into a Bigfoot than an honest Politician!

   When someone accuses me of having too many items in the "15 items or less" line, I tell them I'm dyslexic and then they feel bad.

   Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.

   In a hotel with thin walls and heard a girl in the next room say "It's better without protection". She must've fired her body guard or something...

   Remember this weekend to help your girl relax by telling her she "needs to relax."

   In his defense, everyone sounds drunk when they say "I'm Shia LaBeouf"

   Lacrosse is my favorite sport that combines looking like you're trying to catch a butterfly with having no friends @JhonRules

   Once the trust goes in a relationship, there's no point lying to them anymore.

   wishes she had a theme song whenever she did something awesome.

   We were having too good of a time to worry about what would happen tomorrow.[Summer.oh10]

   It's fun to email news headlines to a buddy when a hurricane has the same name as his ex. "Hermine leaves trail of destruction", "Hermine won't stop blowing in Gulf Coast". Yeah, that's her alright.

   I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn

   I have to go to work after getting my braces tighten, so this will be a good test to see which is more enjoyable.

   told that he had great potential but applied himself innappropriately. To my responce....Thanks?!

   an organ donor (see inside for details)...

   The only time I don't 'get it' in a good way is at work.