Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm "NO."

   You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When Juan Valdez named his donkey after you

   Romance tip: When you are lying in bed with your wife and she asks "What you would like to do with my body more than anything else?", "Identify it." is probably not a good answer.

   Instagram should have an "I can't like this photo because I'm in a relationship but rest assured I like it" button.

   My patience is wearing thin. And by "wearing thin" I mean you are one smart-ass comment away from being slapped so hard, Google won't be able to find you....

   My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues, perhaps it's time to install that security alarm.

   Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.

   Remember when we were kids and we couldn't wait to grow up, move out of the house, and get a job? ...... LORD,, we were dumb.

   My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird?!?!

   I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

   Yawning is just a silent scream for coffee

   At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy. I loved that wheelchair.

   Just added 'Wandering Around the Parking Lot Looking for My Car' as another Track Exercise on my Fitbit.

   Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on my kid's head.

   You have a better chance of running into a Bigfoot than an honest Politician!

   When someone accuses me of having too many items in the "15 items or less" line, I tell them I'm dyslexic and then they feel bad.

   Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.

   In a hotel with thin walls and heard a girl in the next room say "It's better without protection". She must've fired her body guard or something...

   Remember this weekend to help your girl relax by telling her she "needs to relax."

   In his defense, everyone sounds drunk when they say "I'm Shia LaBeouf"