Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The biggest lie I tell myself is 'No need to write that down. I'll remember it.'

   I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing....

   it still called a mimosa if it's with vodka and there's no champagne and it's in a flask and you're in a dumpster?

   Corn mazes would be a lot more fun if they would start earlier in the growing season and make it an "All you can eat" corn-on-the-cob-fest

   Women keep saying they aren't looking for casual sex. That's no problem. I'll wear a coat and tie. Or even a tux if they want.

   I've never done a triathlon but I did accompany my wife to Michael's, Hobby Lobby, & Joann's to find the perfect autumn table setting.

   Have we considered that millennials might be so lazy because their generation doesn't have a hit song about taking care of business?

   Never underestimate the power of Stupid People in large groups.

   After all that has happened this year all we need now is Dallas Cowboys win Super Bowl!!!!

   Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?.. God: That's when you were dating that psycho. I wasn't sticking around for that.

   How I love #Monday. On a different subject. Have you ever met someone for the first time and wanted to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?

   Congrats to Alec Baldwin on securing a steady gig for the next 4 yrs.

   Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless your problem is obesity

   With great power comes a great Electricity bill

   When Thanksgiving is over, you have my permission to listen to Christmas music.

   You know your girlfriend is getting fat when she fits in your wifes clothes !

   Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today Should have cooked it on aloha temperature

   Yes .... Math is Illegal in Kentucky!! 5 People in Kentucky were arrested last night in the latest Math Lab Bust. .... Either that or they're just crappy at spelling.

   I wish I loved anything as much as Santa loves rich kids.

   My New Year’s resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent. 7. Learn to count.