Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

   Which wines pair best with gloating?

   If you keep referring to your girlfriend as your lady friend I'm going to automatically assume you met on Craigslist.

   I’ve washed my hands three times and showered twice and I still have the smell on my fingers. Fresh rosemary is the herpes of herbs.

   I just paid for a 12 month gym membership. My bank called to see if my credit card was stolen.

   My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

   Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

   I bet the astronauts were bummed when they found out Tang was just something they drank in space...

   I will fight for my right to eat delicious things. A snacktivist if you will...

   I downloaded a song illegally in Jamaica. Now I'm a Pirate of the Caribbean.

   The downside of fame! I can't walk out of a nice restaurant without immediately being harassed and hounded by a waiter waving a bill?

   The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife began having sex with me again so she wouldn't have to buy batteries.

   "No, I just carry it around to look cool" was my reply after being asked "Do you play?" in regards to the guitar on my back.

   I don't usually get asked out by women, but when I do it's usually on the first of April.

   Survival Tip - If you get lost in the woods start talking politics and someone will show up to argue with you...

   Breaking News: Federal authorities rule you can't be prescribed medical marijuana if your taking laxitives, Apparently you need to $h*t or get off the pot...

   I went to visit a psychic. I knocked on the door and she yelled "who is it?" So I left.

   A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking. Am I a stalker?

   Does anyone have a Volkswagen Beetle? Could I borrow it for an afternoon to drive around and count how many people I see punch one another?

   Boss: And why can’t you come in today? Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.