Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if the horse track doesn't open soon, I'm going to lose the only math I remember

   Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?” Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”

   The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

   People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

   A mom getting a minivan is like losing one's virginity. It hurts at first, but think of all the stuff they can fit in afterwards.

   Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

   A spelling bee sounds like a horrifying creature that bellows out words and then stings you when you get one wrong.

   If I wanted human interaction i'd take my headphones off during this date.

   Why is it the people who say they thrive on chaos seem to be the ones causing it?

   It took years for my wife to get me to put down the toilet seat. In retrospect, I really don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

   And then there was the cannibal who passed his neighbor in the woods.

   He floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee......Happy Birthday.....to the LEGENDARY Man Muhammad Ali

   I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin' spoon!"

   Double negatives are a no-no.

   If your full name was Elongated Musketeer then you would probably shorten it, too

   I always carry a flute with me in case I see deer or rabbits frolicking in a sunny meadow.

   Me: Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone. I hear you call my name and it feels like home. Priest: I don't believe that is an actual prayer... Me: No, but it's like a prayer.

   Common sense is like a deodorant.......The people who need it most never use it..

   If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?

   I put my pants on just like anyone else; unwillingly.