Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.

   Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow's ass

   I was just cursing the bag boy at the grocery store for leaving out my Reece's cups and then I remembered I used self-checkout.

   Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego.

   Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don't like almonds, I like salt...

   It looks like everyone wants Jon Snow to play NFL...he wont bend a knee

   Hugh Heffner...the only person who we can truly say is not in a better place now...

   Bruce Willis to return for Die Hard 6. Working titles are "Die Hard: Speak Up Please" and "Die Hard: When I was your age"

   I'am a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that's the truth.

   I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

   If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country

   My prediction for October 2020: The Bermuda triangle starts roaming around the Earth like a giant Roomba.

   Let's face it. The first thing a guy does after a woman accepts his friends request is look for bikini pics.

   I gotta stop taking that Ambian for sleep. When I went to sleep we all agreed that Segregation was wrong. I woke up this morning and it’s ok again? What did I miss

   BROWNS BEAT the cowgirls.. we are back

   There are two points about prisoners being on death row vs the rest of us. 1. We're all on death row. 2. They get to choose what they eat before it happens.

   Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today. Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

   *first date* Yep. I like all the things. *fourth date* And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

   I hear someone screaming! That's the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store...

   I can always tell when a friend spent a lot on their kitchen remodel when I can't find their garbage can.