Funny Status Messages

   Want World Peace?? Replace oxygen with Helium. Who could stay mad at someone that sounds like a Chipmunk?!?

   glitter is the herpes of the arts and crafts world! You just can`t get rid of it once its on you

   Pessimism is great, You are either always right or pleasently suprised.

   has heard that love makes the world go round... but so does tequila!

   put my purse on the passenger seat and the passenger seatbelt light came on. Think it's time to clean out my purse??

   such a beautiful day, not a sky in the clouds!!

   a little voice inside of me that telling me to lose weight. I just shut him up with about 4 cookies.

   I think the sudden stardom of Justin Bieber marks the beginning of the apocalypse.

   wifes cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

   Life is full of up's & down's, so UP the music & DOWN the Tequila

   My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.

   You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. But there's a problem... You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. You're not fooling anyone.

   Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

   Don't forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

   When attacked by a bear, play dead. Make his meal less stressful. It's not all about you.

   can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I'm still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.

   According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

   Balloons are so much more expensive than when I was a kid... Probably due to,,,,, you know,, inflation.

   No one is giving you free airline tickets, a week at Disney, a cruise or a cabin in the woods for a year. If you want those things, put down your GD phone, tablet or computer and get off your a$$ and earn them!!

   I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.