Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can’t walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.

   Some girl just asked me if she's wearing too much make-up. I told her that depends on whether she's trying to kill Batman or not.

   The mainstream media: Covers up vast conspiracies?... Rigs national elections?... Has mind control powers?... Can't convince people to pay $29.99 for cable

   People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

   "Welcome to my man cave". Proctologist: "Please stop calling it that"

   I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

   There are 3 types of people: 1. Dog people 2. Cat people 3. Clean house people

   I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

   In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

   I used to have this device to help me find wild mushrooms but I misplaced it. You might say I lost my morel compass.

   Luckily "Smoking in the Boys Room" was released in 1973. If it was released today, it'd be called "Vaping in the Gender Neutral Area"

   I just had a Hebrew National Hotdog. It's like a normal hotdog, but with the skin at the end cut off.

   My wife and I have doggie style sex. I sit up and beg for it. And she rolls over and plays dead.

   I misunderstood the nighborhood MILF when she told me she was heading to the polls. I didn't see her grinding at the strip club.

   Last week's media: OMG! President Trump and our enemy Putin are obviously best friends. This is unacceptable !!! This week's media: OMG! President Trump upset our friend Putin. This is an unacceptable !!!

   Seattle raised the min wage to 15 a hour. Report out this week for the 1st period. Min wage workers now work 12 hours less and make 1500 less a month.

   People say Donald Trump's plan to build a wall across the Mexican border is ridiculous. Really? Well, parts of the Great Wall of China were built around 700BC. Do you see any illegal Mexicans in China? I didn't think so.

   Love is like a rubberband. We keep pulling, someone lets go and the one who held on gets hurt

   I give travel info in the amount of time it takes me to get there, not in miles.

   Faucets should really have a drip setting instead of making me take 20 minutes to try to get the handle just right in order to keep my pipes from freezing.