Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

   Joyous Festivus to the rest of us. May your feats of strength be superior and your grievances be few.

   I don't mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.

   The number of STDs she can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

   I always keep a piece of paper with me incase someone tries to attack me with a rock.

   I'm never drinking again, again.

   That's some really cute pink camoflauge. Do you hunt in the Lolipop Woods or the Peppermint Forest?

   You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.

   People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

   "Welcome to my man cave". Proctologist: "Please stop calling it that"

   I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

   There are 3 types of people: 1. Dog people 2. Cat people 3. Clean house people

   I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

   In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

   Coronavirus won't last long, it was made in China.

   Bars are opening but patrons are wearing masks. It is the era for ugly people with nice bodies to get laid.

   Luckily "Smoking in the Boys Room" was released in 1973. If it was released today, it'd be called "Vaping in the Gender Neutral Area"

   Last week's media: OMG! President Trump and our enemy Putin are obviously best friends. This is unacceptable !!! This week's media: OMG! President Trump upset our friend Putin. This is an unacceptable !!!

   Seattle raised the min wage to 15 a hour. Report out this week for the 1st period. Min wage workers now work 12 hours less and make 1500 less a month.

   People say Donald Trump's plan to build a wall across the Mexican border is ridiculous. Really? Well, parts of the Great Wall of China were built around 700BC. Do you see any illegal Mexicans in China? I didn't think so.