Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a smart phone with a dumbass battery.

   ...Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm...

   I am going to mess with my facebook friends. I am going to use the "check in" feature at the strip club, and then shortly thereafter at the free clinic.

   My goal for 2015 is to accomplish the goals of 2014 which I should have done in 2013 because I made a promise in 2012 which I planned on keeping back in 2011

   I shouldn't have to watch out for kids at play. They should have to watch out for my car. What other responsibilities do they have?

   They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting

   My bro thought putting holes in my condoms was funny, funny thing is now his girl is pregnant..

   You have a choice. You can throw in the towel, or you can use it to wipe the sweat off of your face.

   Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam.

   Facebook Friends = 427 Friends When I have To Move = 0

   If you cant make someone happy, then stand aside and let them be with someone who can.

   Ever get the feeling you're living in a snowglobe someone won't stop shaking?

   Dear Mapquest: Why not start with driving direction #5; I am pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood...

   I'm so cold that I decided to start my own non-profit today. It's called PETAELG. That's People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals with the Exception of Lying Groundhogs

   Sign of the Apocolypse...Snooki is pregnant. Due 12/12

   I was playing with my new toaster in the bathtub today then I read the warning label and it said not to. I was shocked.

   I speak 4 languages, English, profanity, sarcasm & real sh!t

   My drug dealer cracks me up.

   FYI: If you are ahead of me in the checkout line and you tell me that you are sorry but you will be right back because you forgot something I bet you won't be back faster than I can't rub your apples under my arm pits and fart on your french bread.

   Alice on Facebook thinks getting dumped is the most painful thing ever. You’ve never caught you d*ck in your zipper, so shut up, Alice.