Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
The song London Bridge Is Falling Down now makes sense!! 
Do I really have to explain why I love you? Okay fine. I love you because you give good head.
I have sexdaily. Oops, I mean sexilady...no, sexydial...uh isexlady...no, I really mean sexyladi...um ladiesxy? Dyslexia - there that's it!
It must be so easy to be an NFL quarterback. Especially if you have a helmet with a star on it. All you have to do is dance around a little, fall down as soon as someone gets near you, then collect your millions.
Who died and made Pelosi king?
Anybody wanna go halfsies on a prostitute?
Lincoln may be doing well in the theatre today, but that wasn't always the case.
we have some potentially severe weather headed our way this evening. please make sure you have your emergency kit: alcohol, lube, porn, blow up girlfriend, pain pills, heroin and a football helmet. Stay safe my friends!
"Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulimic, and Malnourished."
I have a smart phone with a dumbass battery.
...Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm...
I am going to mess with my facebook friends. I am going to use the "check in" feature at the strip club, and then shortly thereafter at the free clinic.
My goal for 2015 is to accomplish the goals of 2014 which I should have done in 2013 because I made a promise in 2012 which I planned on keeping back in 2011
I shouldn't have to watch out for kids at play. They should have to watch out for my car. What other responsibilities do they have?
They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting
My bro thought putting holes in my condoms was funny, funny thing is now his girl is pregnant..
You have a choice. You can throw in the towel, or you can use it to wipe the sweat off of your face.
Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam.
Facebook Friends = 427 Friends When I have To Move = 0
If you cant make someone happy, then stand aside and let them be with someone who can. 