Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I die I'm going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook

   My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.

   If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?

   I'm announcing this morning I'm cutting all ties with Paul Deen....no more BUTTER!

   Obama's Victory Speech should of started with " Allow me to re-introduce myself!" My name is OOOOO!!

   Just saw a fat ginger girl buying a rape whistle...gotta admire her optimism

   Nobel Prizes are not for what you are "trying" to do, they are for what you have actually achieved. I nominate myself for a Nobel Prize in Medicine for my "efforts" in finding a cure for hangovers.

   How the h ell did Jesus find guys names John.,James, Matthew. Paul and Andrew, Thomas, and Philip in the middle East?

   Wife: If I become fat and ugly will you leave me? Husband starts laughing. Wife: WHAT?! Husband: I'm still here ain't I?

   wonders... do subliminal (send) messages (me) really (money) work?

   Amber Alert!! White Male, 70-something yrs old, acts like a 10-year old child, has a stripper for a wife, thinks he won the 2020 election.

   pondering some of life's great mysteries. Like, why are we here?, is there life on Mars? and why doesn't Donald duck wear pants?

   loves animals...especially in gravy

   Funny how countries trash talk the United States but always beg for our help when they are getting their ass whooped.

   white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to f*ck cuz its not my time of month"

   I just heard that the Facebook network is currently down, but this does not affect you as nothing would go down on you...

   "What the hell is this?" - Dracula watching Twilight

   I wonder how long it takes a girrafe to vomit!

   I was planning on being productive today until I heard Rump Shaker on the radio. Now all I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom zoom-zoom in a boom-boom.

   You remind me of my big toe.. Why?..cause I'm going to end up banging you on my coffee table.....