Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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[job interview] it says here that one of your strengths is making snake sounds, is this true? “yesssssssssssssssss” 
I don't think Bruce Jenner realizes that there can only be 5 Spice Girls.
If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes, they're usually 90 degrees.
Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load
I guess I probably shouldn't have said I masturbate to your wife, but I thought the rest of my Best Man speech was really heart-felt.
This lady behind me is reading what I'm writing while I'm waiting on line in the pharmacy. Can't wait till she .....aaaAAHHHHH! THAT'S RIGHT LADY!!!....Look away!
It’s nice how your Selfies accentuate your instability.
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
The biggest problem I see with Adele's relationship in her new song is that she needs to stop calling and start texting instead.
Yes, I'm mad. Yes, I know I have no right to be. Yes, I'm overreacting. No, I don't know exactly what I'm mad at. - Women.
Somehow she tracked that fart back to me....and that's how I met your mother.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" thenmake sure to leave a note to be opened after youdie that says "pray harder next time."
Damn it!! I wish I had some fireworks for the government shutdown tonight.....
No use in complaining about life, you were the fastest sperm, this is your reward. . .
When I was younger I went through a lot of bad relationships. I’m ashamed to admit more than once I’ve let a fool kiss me, and more than once I’ve let a kiss fool me.
You're a party girl until your looks deteriorate. Then you're just a drug addict.
I miss the good ole days when all the children were kept in factories.
So Hillary Clinton is now seen on national TV barking like a dog. I suggest that she may be preparing for "The dog ate my emails" defense.
guess I should've left.."Guest appearance on Cops" off my resume 