Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The biggest problem I see with Adele's relationship in her new song is that she needs to stop calling and start texting instead.

   Yes, I'm mad. Yes, I know I have no right to be. Yes, I'm overreacting. No, I don't know exactly what I'm mad at. - Women.

   Somehow she tracked that fart back to me....and that's how I met your mother.

   On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" thenmake sure to leave a note to be opened after youdie that says "pray harder next time."

   Damn it!! I wish I had some fireworks for the government shutdown tonight.....

   No use in complaining about life, you were the fastest sperm, this is your reward. . .

   When I was younger I went through a lot of bad relationships. I’m ashamed to admit more than once I’ve let a fool kiss me, and more than once I’ve let a kiss fool me.

   You're a party girl until your looks deteriorate. Then you're just a drug addict.

   I miss the good ole days when all the children were kept in factories.

   So Hillary Clinton is now seen on national TV barking like a dog. I suggest that she may be preparing for "The dog ate my emails" defense.

   guess I should've left.."Guest appearance on Cops" off my resume

   I bet Floyd Mayweather paid the judges

   Most kids are taught the normal 'Birds and the Bee's'! Not me I was traumatized! My father explained it to me by showing me a male and female outlet. To this day everytime I plug something in I get all worked up And dont let even show me an extension cord

   Women are like convertibles. They're a lot more fun when the top's down.

   When a woman cooks you dinner you're either going to get laid or poisoned.

   Kill your haters with kindness. Gift wrap explosives.

   Okay, I'm lost... Can someone please lend me Facebook: Seasons 1 and 2 ???

   Facing your problems is like facing a bull...either take them by the horns, or run like hell.

   Chinese hackers are breaking into fortune cookie printers and changing the lucky numbers to unlucky ones

   Lazy rule number 43: can't reach it, don't need it.