Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my 2nd wind seems to be fanning the fire of the candle I am burning at both ends

   watching "Up". Just so you know, his thing for the next two weeks or so will be suddently interrupting his sentences by shouting "Squirrel!" and staring off into the distance.

   : One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

   The thing about social media is that you can pretend you've gone to bed by not replying but really you're just sitting there the whole time.

   Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

   A Tip Having anything Like XXYoUnGmOn3y666xx As your Name equals Fail

   Men want three qualities in wives: Economist in the kitchen, artist at home and devil in the bed. But they get an artist in kitchen, a devil at home and an economist in Bed.

   Tiger withdraws from the golf tournament due to a neck injury, I bet he could sure use a swedish massage.

   Troy McClure. You might remember me from such drivers ed films as "Alice's Adventures Through The Windshield Glass" and "The Decapitation of LarryLeadfoot."

   Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

   in the last stall of the men's/women's bathroom at the library. Could someone please bring me some toilet paper?!

   I took your survey, sent you a round, tended your garden, poked you, hugged you, and sent you 10 useless gifts. It's hard being a Facebook friend.

   having a bad day. There's a tampon behind my ear and I can't find my pencil.

   I hope someone gets a pic of Lil Wayne on his way out high-fiving T.I. on his way in.

   Today is Monday, and that's reason enough for me to hate it.

   Maybe early risers just aren't as awesome at sleeping as I am.

   I almost got to go skiing....but my husband got mad when he saw me spraying WD-40 on the bottom of his skis...

   I was thinking about adoption to fill the void in my life, if only I could find someone willing to adopt me..

   I used to worry that today's kids will ruin the planet when they grow up until I realized most the adults I know are idiots...

   Alcohol runs your personality through an amplifier but puts a silencer on your common sense.