Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men want three qualities in wives: Economist in the kitchen, artist at home and devil in the bed. But they get an artist in kitchen, a devil at home and an economist in Bed.

   Tiger withdraws from the golf tournament due to a neck injury, I bet he could sure use a swedish massage.

   Troy McClure. You might remember me from such drivers ed films as "Alice's Adventures Through The Windshield Glass" and "The Decapitation of LarryLeadfoot."

   Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

   in the last stall of the men's/women's bathroom at the library. Could someone please bring me some toilet paper?!

   I took your survey, sent you a round, tended your garden, poked you, hugged you, and sent you 10 useless gifts. It's hard being a Facebook friend.

   watching "Up". Just so you know, his thing for the next two weeks or so will be suddently interrupting his sentences by shouting "Squirrel!" and staring off into the distance.

   : One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

   I was thinking about adoption to fill the void in my life, if only I could find someone willing to adopt me..

   I used to worry that today's kids will ruin the planet when they grow up until I realized most the adults I know are idiots...

   Alcohol runs your personality through an amplifier but puts a silencer on your common sense.

   I'm in a very serious relationship, we don't even smile.

   The thing I hate most about getting too drunk at my office Christmas party, is looking for a new job the next day.

   Going to sleep with a t-shirt on is a great way to wake up knowing what a crocodile death roll feels like

   "No more Mr Nice Guy" ~ Mr Nice Guy's eulogy

   I'm wearing my heart in my chest again. The sleeve idea was dangerous and stupid

   Ladies, if all your pics are from the neck up, we have a good idea how the rest looks…

   My ideal job would be "Guy in infomercial who is legitimately baffled by simple, everyday tasks."

   wondering if the new iphone 5 comes with some kind of food stamp app

   When it comes to gifts, never look Sarah Jessica Parker in the mouth.