Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So the state trooper said "I've been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn't you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."

   There is nothing worse in the World than sitting on the toilet and getting splash back.

   so far its been one of those weeks where the middle finger can answer any question!!!

   do you know why kids think I'm Cool?.. Because I was raised to talk and think like a 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle' that's why."

   Brett Favre came out of his hole and didn't see his shadow. That means only 5 more weeks until football starts.

   Money cant buy happiness, but at least I can pick my own misery.

   wondering how exactly do you mark someone's words?

   says that the only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

   spring cleaning her head, this could take a while...

   thinks playing COD with a laggy internet connection, is way harder than giving birth.

   Happy New Year to all my Chinese friends, and those who just want a reason to party. With it coinciding with Valentines Day, I know of one professional golfer who is planning to celebrate the 14th & all year long. After all, it IS the Year of the Tiger!

   A celebratory beer after winning the gold - $1. While you're at it, might as well have a cigar - $5. a few Canadian women proving that this world truly is becoming too P.C. PRICELESS !!!!

   .not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every retard can read, but look at you go!

   Needs a brain laxative.......there's too much crap in here!!!

   Don't make someone your priority if they only make you an option!!

   I once told a police officer, I was going 90 mph cause I sh*t my pants, he let me go. It works people, it works!

   Senior Campbells Soup with.....NEW... larger type alphabet soup letters.

   likes it when he open a document on the comp and the monitor says WORD. And I'm like, YOOO!!

   I got an enema in honor of National Punctuation Day. I now have a perfect colon.

   Monopoly pieces make McDonalds food taste so much better!!!