Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks playing COD with a laggy internet connection, is way harder than giving birth.

   Happy New Year to all my Chinese friends, and those who just want a reason to party. With it coinciding with Valentines Day, I know of one professional golfer who is planning to celebrate the 14th & all year long. After all, it IS the Year of the Tiger!

   A celebratory beer after winning the gold - $1. While you're at it, might as well have a cigar - $5. a few Canadian women proving that this world truly is becoming too P.C. PRICELESS !!!!

   .not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every retard can read, but look at you go!

   Needs a brain laxative.......there's too much crap in here!!!

   Don't make someone your priority if they only make you an option!!

   I once told a police officer, I was going 90 mph cause I sh*t my pants, he let me go. It works people, it works!

   Senior Campbells Soup with.....NEW... larger type alphabet soup letters.

   likes it when he open a document on the comp and the monitor says WORD. And I'm like, YOOO!!

   I got an enema in honor of National Punctuation Day. I now have a perfect colon.

   Monopoly pieces make McDonalds food taste so much better!!!

   my 2nd wind seems to be fanning the fire of the candle I am burning at both ends

   The thing about social media is that you can pretend you've gone to bed by not replying but really you're just sitting there the whole time.

   Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

   having a bad day. There's a tampon behind my ear and I can't find my pencil.

   I hope someone gets a pic of Lil Wayne on his way out high-fiving T.I. on his way in.

   Today is Monday, and that's reason enough for me to hate it.

   Maybe early risers just aren't as awesome at sleeping as I am.

   I almost got to go skiing....but my husband got mad when he saw me spraying WD-40 on the bottom of his skis...

   A Tip Having anything Like XXYoUnGmOn3y666xx As your Name equals Fail