Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good job on the speed traps, cops - How are the murderer traps coming along?

   I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the 'Downward Dog' on top of another person.

   People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just being ambidextrous.

   Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

   Each cigarette you smoke takes six minutes off your life. A friend of mine was such a heavy smoker he actually went back in time.

   I'm not judgmental, so when I see a person driving slow in the fast lane, I never assume what gender she is

   "Shia LaBeouf" sounds like something a French person would say after a big raunchy fart.

   A lot of women can’t drive because they’re too busy giving mixed signals.

   4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

   The reason why I have trust issues is because there are fat vegans.

   Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture

   Michael Jackson could do a very realistic Thriller video right now.

   Dr. Ben Carson: no wins, 2nds, 3rds or even 4ths. Dr. Ben, maybe you should think about...Dr. Ben? Dr. BEN!! All right, I'll come back later.

   Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."

   If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one so shut your goddam mouth.

   Call me a critic but I would just about guarantee that the idiot selling seashells down by the seashore is a product of the No Child Left Behind Act.

   Light beer, apple whiskey, fat free, gluten free, lactose free...We have become a world full of p ussies.

   Hopefully Harrison Ford replaced his divot.

   what if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside

   Not many people know this but the work "Karate" is an old Chinese word that means, "My kid can't hit a baseball"