Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

   The reason why I have trust issues is because there are fat vegans.

   Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture

   Michael Jackson could do a very realistic Thriller video right now.

   Dr. Ben Carson: no wins, 2nds, 3rds or even 4ths. Dr. Ben, maybe you should think about...Dr. Ben? Dr. BEN!! All right, I'll come back later.

   Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."

   If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one so shut your goddam mouth.

   Call me a critic but I would just about guarantee that the idiot selling seashells down by the seashore is a product of the No Child Left Behind Act.

   Light beer, apple whiskey, fat free, gluten free, lactose free...We have become a world full of p ussies.

   Hopefully Harrison Ford replaced his divot.

   what if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside

   Not many people know this but the work "Karate" is an old Chinese word that means, "My kid can't hit a baseball"

   Failed biology because apparently the answer to "what is commonly found in cells?" Isn't "Blacks and Mexicans"

   My friends say that I'm gay because I don't like football. What a bunch of idiots. I'm gay because I like c0ck.

   And the Lord said unto John, "Come fourth and receive eternal life..." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

   Big Tech censoring Demlibers? I’m not seeing anything about how great Joe is doing.

   Facebook asks me what I'm thinking. Twitter asks me what I'm doing. 4square asks me where I am. Conclusion: the Internet is my girlfriend.

   Did anyone else know that "Fes" from That 70's Shows' name stands for (F)oreign (E)xchange (S)tudent

   I always wondered why cross eyed people never get hit crossing the road. Then it hit me. They are always looking both ways.

   Let's face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.