Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

   Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

   I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night... Not Happy.

   I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

   Tampax is the newest sponsor of NASCAR. If you're looking for tickets to the Tampon 500, I could pull some strings!

   Rapper "Pop Smoke" has died. Please respect my privacy at this time, while I try to figure out who the heck he was.

   Every disaster movie starts with the government ignoring a scientist.

   Some youths have stolen all the bus stop signs down my road... Where do they get off?

   Fun Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the "send" button by 95%...

   Going to Wal-Mart will help build up your immune system for just about everything except Covid-19...

   The wife asked me to sell my Hall and Oates collection. I said I can’t go for that, no can do.

   I want to hear 99 people sing 'Africa' by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do.

   I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

   Tu pac's of Eminems are 50 cents, That's Ludacris! I want my Nickelback.

   There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy. The 1st is to take her shopping.. The rest is 69..

   Hope all the gun haters are watching "A Christmas Story" right now, Ralphie just got his Red Ryder BB Gun!

   As long as there is someone up in heaven to protect me, there is no one on earth who can mess with me.

   The NBA has canceled the first two weeks of the regular season. In a related story who cares.

   Laptop speakers... too quiet for music, too loud for porn.

   not sure what's worse.... finding out Darth Vader is your father or remembering that the day before you were trying to f*ck your sister??