Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tampax is the newest sponsor of NASCAR. If you're looking for tickets to the Tampon 500, I could pull some strings!

   Rapper "Pop Smoke" has died. Please respect my privacy at this time, while I try to figure out who the heck he was.

   Every disaster movie starts with the government ignoring a scientist.

   Some youths have stolen all the bus stop signs down my road... Where do they get off?

   Fun Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the "send" button by 95%...

   Going to Wal-Mart will help build up your immune system for just about everything except Covid-19...

   The wife asked me to sell my Hall and Oates collection. I said I can’t go for that, no can do.

   I want to hear 99 people sing 'Africa' by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do.

   I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

   Do you ever wonder what your pets biological parents would have named them?

   Just sneezed and felt something pop in my neck and my left hand went numb. Might have to put off my UFC career for another week.

   Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I'm reading?

   When I was a kid I made my dad a clay ashtray. Millennials probably think I should be locked up.

   While weighting my self on the bathroom scale I sucked in my gut. My wife laugh and said do you think that's help you weigh less ? I said no but it does help me to see how much I weigh.

   Some days I feel like I own waterfront property on $h!t Creek.

   In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room

   It's pretty bad when Playboy deletes their FB page because they don't want to be associated with "low values"

   I think it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

   Things to do.. #1 dig a hole #2 name it love #3 watch people fall in love

   When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.