Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope instagram is still around in 10 years so I can show my kids what my food looked like in 2013

   Day 4 of no alcohol: Morale is low. I just drank some eye drops.

   Why is sorting "Price: High to Low" even an option

   What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

   So tired I just ignored a fly walking on my face like I was in an 80's hunger commercial.

   "Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can't hit a baseball."

   I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.

   If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

   College wall posts, Welcome back students. Sex is not allowed in the dorm rooms. The students are like, " Yeah Right "

   Forgot to wear my Sons of Anarchy shirt to Walmart again.

   I am wondering if female squirrells only get 80% of the acorns that males get

   I think it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

   Things to do.. #1 dig a hole #2 name it love #3 watch people fall in love

   When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.

   The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?...”

   Service so bad the waitress owes you money

   I'm not the one who spent $600 on a first class ticket for my pet rabbit. Blame my wife!!

   Losing an argument with your woman? Just tell her "My mom was right about you" to get the upper hand.

   I, put commas, in, weird places, so that you, read my jokes, like, William Shatner!

   I’m already an idiot, I just need a village