Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

   This time of year every store is advertising as "your one stop shop!" Really? I'm in college, I'm pretty sure that's the liquor store.

   I'm pretty awesome at tripping over stuff that isn't even there.

   sharing is caring, but I don't care

   I hate you. I only do you because I have to. Plus, you smell funny. Anybody else hate doing the laundry?

   Doing work on the bathroom, went to Lowe's and, long story short, still not mature enough to ask for caulk without laughing

   Problem: people lie. Solution: trust no one.

   Face it, skinny jeans are NOT for everyone.... if you think this message is about you, it probably is

   Happy 4th of July!!! Enjoy: BBQing, setting off fireworks, and if you live in the country, shooting at random sh!t.

   Money can't buy you happiness but I'd rather be unhappy and in a Bentley

   Naming a male baby is rarely easy. Go with a cool name, like Nosferatu.

   We need to be more concerned about dinosaur ghosts

   I hate it when someone starts telling me something, but they end up saying "nevermind."

   need to check my wifes license...apparently she changed her name to Princess without telling me

   If someone posts "single and ready to mingle" on a public forum, they are single for a reason.

   A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of my old bills.

   thinks everyone who got up early for the royal wedding is officially out of excuses for not exercising. See, you can find time if you want

   Now that Bin Laden is polluting the Arabian Sea, I hear the sharks have declared "Jihad!"

   doesn't believe in superstition. It brings bad luck

   Wal-Mart stores in California have reached a goal of sending only 20% of their waste to landfills. Of course, the other 80% of their garbage is what they stock on their shelves.