Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Don't MAKE me turn this beat around!" — Gloria Estefan yelling at her kids

   I'm at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.

   My sister is adopted,, but I like to tell people she's "a rescue".

   It's sad how an animal like a dog shows more humanity than humans do.

   You have the most beautiful lies I've ever seen

   I'm drunk and horny but not "call my ex" drunk and horny...

   O.J. gave Broncos a better name

   My son is really struggling with english in school. Nobody else in his class can speak it.

   The real reason Trump has fired so many people is, he really likes eating their going away cake.

   So ABC/Disney cancel "Last Man Standing".... The Hollywood left strikes again.

   Do rednecks get fatter so they can have bigger tattoos?

   Sorry, but sleeping with someone named "Stormy" doesn't make you an expert on hurricanes.

   I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

   President Trump shouldn't send Hillary Clinton to prison... He should appoint her as the Ambassador of Libya... You broke it, you bought it!!

   Channel X Is Temporarily Not In Service. Please Tune In To Your Own Life For Your Regularly Scheduled Broadcast.

   So here we are at the beginning of a new year. After spending this past week reflecting on 2009, I've discovered that I was right 98% of the time, so I'm not really concerned with the other 3% when I was mistaken

   some advice for the youngsters on Facebook. You can do anything you want to do in life, unless Jay Leno wants to do it too

   I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

   it's not me or my actions that bug you, it's that you let them bug you.

   translating naughty words on google translate.