Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has decided the best response to "Suck it" is hereby known as "Sorry, I'm not allowed to put small things in my mouth!"

   Every day as the years go by I find myself missing a special certain someone from my past. Lucky for me my aim is improving.

   We Found Love in a Swollen Face - Chris Brown ft. Rihanna

   I have a plan that will give us oil for hundreds of more years. Unfortunately, it hinges on the Earth being shaped like a tube of toothpaste.

   The Best Things in life are unseen. That's why we close our eyes when we KISS, CRY, and DREAM.

   My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.

   The only thing worse than the “FRIEND ZONE” is the "SHE-THINKS-YOU-ARE GAY-ZONE".

   It's sad that we don't truly appreciate a person until they die.

   I don't understand why you're mad. I used YOUR name as my password, honey! :) Who cares if the "hint" to retrieve it is ....BlTCH?

   Emotionally: I'm done. Mentally: I'm drained. Spiritually: I'm dead. Physically: I smile.

   Someone's been sleeping in my bed, said Papa Bear. Someone's been sleeping in MY bed, said Mama. Why don't you share a bed?! cried Baby Bear

   Def Need a " facebook filter" to prevent all the weddings and babies from showing up on my feed.

   Women want to be equal to men in every aspect except dating. You all want the same positions in the rest of the world but still expect to be wined and dined. How about steaks and bjs for the guys.

   I illegally watched Hang Over Part 3 online and I still feel like I got ripped off.

   Those Blue Man Group guys need to find women. I didn’t realize it could spread like that.

   I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that's my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .

   Everyone is always talking about "getting high on Life" but this cereal sucks and it hurts my nose..

   wishes there was a way to donate fat like you can donate blood!

   what if aliens have already invaded and once they take over your body, they force you to take pictures of yourself doing the duckface and post in on Facebook...

   Everybody who needed tech support was screwed when they outsourced it to India way before the blackout.