Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?

   4S = for steve?

   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

   I Helped an old lady cross the street today...had to .she was on my hood..!!!

   Its impossible to say the word "ironic" without some idiot saying "don't ya think"...Thanks a lot Alanis Morissette

   My million dollar idea: "Homework-flavored" dog food.

   I want a job naming military operations. It be great to hear a stoic general talk about how "Operation My little pony" was a success

   has decided the best response to "Suck it" is hereby known as "Sorry, I'm not allowed to put small things in my mouth!"

   Every day as the years go by I find myself missing a special certain someone from my past. Lucky for me my aim is improving.

   We Found Love in a Swollen Face - Chris Brown ft. Rihanna

   I have a plan that will give us oil for hundreds of more years. Unfortunately, it hinges on the Earth being shaped like a tube of toothpaste.

   The Best Things in life are unseen. That's why we close our eyes when we KISS, CRY, and DREAM.

   My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.

   The only thing worse than the “FRIEND ZONE” is the "SHE-THINKS-YOU-ARE GAY-ZONE".

   It's sad that we don't truly appreciate a person until they die.

   I don't understand why you're mad. I used YOUR name as my password, honey! :) Who cares if the "hint" to retrieve it is ....BlTCH?

   Emotionally: I'm done. Mentally: I'm drained. Spiritually: I'm dead. Physically: I smile.

   Someone's been sleeping in my bed, said Papa Bear. Someone's been sleeping in MY bed, said Mama. Why don't you share a bed?! cried Baby Bear

   Def Need a " facebook filter" to prevent all the weddings and babies from showing up on my feed.

   Women want to be equal to men in every aspect except dating. You all want the same positions in the rest of the world but still expect to be wined and dined. How about steaks and bjs for the guys.