Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women want to be equal to men in every aspect except dating. You all want the same positions in the rest of the world but still expect to be wined and dined. How about steaks and bjs for the guys.

   I illegally watched Hang Over Part 3 online and I still feel like I got ripped off.

   Those Blue Man Group guys need to find women. I didn’t realize it could spread like that.

   I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that's my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .

   Everyone is always talking about "getting high on Life" but this cereal sucks and it hurts my nose..

   wishes there was a way to donate fat like you can donate blood!

   what if aliens have already invaded and once they take over your body, they force you to take pictures of yourself doing the duckface and post in on Facebook...

   Everybody who needed tech support was screwed when they outsourced it to India way before the blackout.

   Nothing makes a roaring fire cozier than sitting on the neighbor's front lawn under an emergency blanket.

   When my son asked my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance, I said "maybe she went bIack",,., and now I don't have to help with homework

   You haven't Tweeted in a few days, what's up? @lancearmstrong

   Saying “Hey, I just met you, and this is Crazy..” is how I used to introduce my ex to new people.

   I just googled, "Gift ideas for wife" One website suggested a cooking class. They must have thought I meant, "Gift ideas for wife if you want to sleep on the couch forever."

   Baby, I would take a bullet for you... In Halo 4... Unless I'm on a kill streak.

   Stop talking to me and stare at your phone. It’s 2013.

   Girls fall in love with what they hear... Guys fall in love with what they see. That is why girls wear makeup, and guys lie!

   If you're going to be an ass, remember to be a smart one; not a dumb one.

   My brain is 80% song lyrics, 15% passwords and 5% important $hit…

   Mission Impossible: Not eating a French Fry on the way home from the drive thru.

   I hope the woman of my dreams delivers pizza, otherwise I'm never gonna meet her