Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guess who has The Addams Family theme song stuck in their head?...... You. *snap snap*

   I haven't been to work in four days. I've almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.

   What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."

   You really have to hand it to the blind prostitute..."

   be nice to me.. with minimum effort I can make things very very difficult

   My car talks. It says things like "your door is ajar", but never anything really helpful like, "there's a trooper hiding in the bushes."

   If God didn't think humility was important, he would have put the prostate somewhere else.

   These kids today need to show a little respect to those of us who fought for, and won the right to party.

   Spread your lies elsewhere, turkey bacon.

   I've been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don't know karate.

   I'd like to give that Baltimore mom 10 min alone with Congress and a wooden spoon.

   I haven't wanted a Twinkie in years.... until I was told I couldn't have them anymore.

   Let's be honest. The only reason I listen to my voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear.

   I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

   Tim Tebow is the most talked about white Bronco since the O.J. chase.

   You know when the police arrive at your job at 9am on a Monday... Its going to be an interesting day.

   If gas prices keep going up I'm cutting off the bottom of my car and I'm "Flintstoning" That mf!

   The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.

   Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR's are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!

   I got sacked as a bingo caller tonight. Apparently "a meal for two with a terrible view" wasn't the best way to announce the number 69....