Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Blanket on .. too hot. Blanket off .. too cold, one leg out? PERFECT!

   Chicks be talking bout #TeamNoKids after 6 abortions. No bitttch you a serial killer!

   It's so cold out I just saw a white person wearing tube socks with their shorts.

   I've been watching the price of lumber and wondering if I should sell my house for parts?

   Well, I see no one turned up for the first day of ninja school... Or did they?

   So, the officer did not think it was funny when I hung my a** out of the car window at the movie theater and shouted "Check this new moon out"!

   Men should always wear condoms because women carry diseases like emotions and pregnancy.

   ...I guess that sometimes it takes a dominatrix in your living room to make you sit there and think 'What the hell am I doing with my life?'...

   sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish shop

   I wonder how many old people have died trying to cut open tennis balls to put on their walker.

   Some people live upside down. They like to talk out their ass and the only thing that comes out their mouth is sh!t.

   there are 7 dwarves so that would be 6 out of 7 aint happy

   how come when we talk to God we are praying...when God talks to us we are schizophrenic

   There is always a black woman on the bus having a loud argument on the phone.

   It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

   I don't want to complain that it's too hot in my roof-top, but two Hobbits just threw a ring in here

   Women are just like cartons of Orange Juice! It's not the size or shape that matters. Or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting those Fking flaps open!!!

   I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

   Last week Honey Boo Boo endorsed President Obama. I knew Obama was pro birth control but I didn't realize the poster child for birth control was pro Obama.

   Some girls will stop speaking to their friends over the littlest things, but will forgive the same cheating guy a millions times...