Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people live upside down. They like to talk out their ass and the only thing that comes out their mouth is sh!t.

   there are 7 dwarves so that would be 6 out of 7 aint happy

   how come when we talk to God we are praying...when God talks to us we are schizophrenic

   There is always a black woman on the bus having a loud argument on the phone.

   It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

   I don't want to complain that it's too hot in my roof-top, but two Hobbits just threw a ring in here

   Women are just like cartons of Orange Juice! It's not the size or shape that matters. Or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting those Fking flaps open!!!

   I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

   Last week Honey Boo Boo endorsed President Obama. I knew Obama was pro birth control but I didn't realize the poster child for birth control was pro Obama.

   Some girls will stop speaking to their friends over the littlest things, but will forgive the same cheating guy a millions times...

   I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

   As a parting gift, Trump should give all Americans moving to Canada a bottle of Trump vodka.

   Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!

   The search for Flight 370 was declared "The most difficult in human history." Amelia Earhart could not be reached for comment...

   Tornados in the North Texas area are very likely this afternoon. Meteorologists are urging the public to gather in the Dallas Cowboys Stadium where no touchdowns are possible this season!

   Oysters are fantastic, if you like the taste of snot that's been stored with dirty silverware over rocks in saltwater.

   girls status ((i prayed for someone like you; and I thank God, that I finally found you)) next day guys are asshols

   April is Alcohol Awareness Month and being Friday and all.... tonight I will make special plans to investigate alcohol all night long... Now that I have made you aware...I have done my part !

   Comparing Sarah Jessica Parker to a horse is insulting and lame. Horses are majestic, beautiful creatures unworthy of your contempt

   Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?