Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   new carrier goal is going to become a professional zombie hunter.

   It's not the destination, it's the journey. Except when you're heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.

   Why won't facebook let me change my relationship status to "in an imaginary relationship with Milla Jovovich"?

   Fortune Cookie: "Your life will be happy and peaceful." Dear Cookie: What drugs are you on? We should share.

   Its Couples Week! Copy And Paste This With the Date When You Got Together! Well, since I'm single I think I'll just go have casual, no strings attached sex and not have deal with remembering about the date of it.

   ...this year in California, the most popular Halloween mask is Arnold Schwartzenegger. The great thing about it is: with a mouthful of candy, you'll sound just like him!

   Jerry springer say's, "The difference between his guests and politicians are the number of their teeth."

   To save time, let's just assume I know everything.

   if the truth hurts. why are you not crying?

   Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late and see the New Years in. Middle age is when you're forced to.

   New Year's Day - Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

   If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?

   The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

   Our Parents Spend half Our Lives Trying to get us to Stand up and talk now they 0nly want to see you sit down and shut up

   . Life is like a can of beans. It lets out a toot every so often and is worth a good laugh!

   thinks that Valentine's Day is Halloween's evil, hateful twin.

   Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say.

   Hey. You in the camouflage outfit. I can see you.

   I thought I suffered from low self-esteem. Turns out, I suffer from accurate self-esteem.

   Cinco De Mayo is just like St. Patrick's Day, except with tequila.