Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The old saying "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.

   Sorry, I can't make it,,, months are just a really busy time of year for me

   When faced with two choices simply toss a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you, but because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for.

   After TMZ broke that Jay-Z getting his ass kicked by Beyonce's little sister, I am now convinced TMZ is worse than NSA. They got cameras everywhere.

   You have to admit it. Every once in a while you say "Open Sesame" while walking up to an automatic door.

   Lady, Have you tried texting him 22 more times?

   You know it's going to be a crappy day when it starts with sneezing while brushing your teeth...

   My father of the year hopes and dreams were crushed the moment I joined Facebook.

   The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.

   Why do people say "everyone is entitled to their own opinion" after saying something really stupid?

   Bitstrip has taught me one thing.... My friends are entirely incapable of being funny.... even in cartoons.

   It seems so much later then it actually is.....

   You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks'

   before everyone leaves in the Rapture, can you join my mafia, farm, and garden? thanks...

   Note to self : when manscaping don't use after shave....

   Life is like a sports car: It goes too fast, and it costs too much.

   I crack open a beer and get on facebook when I have nothing else to do....and also when I have something else to do....

   tragic fail: the moment you realize that swig of milk is spoiled and its too late, you swallowed!

   I always had a peculiar sense of direction ,I just never knew where it would take me.

   I was speaking to a guy who reckons he is able to throw a stick, for two miles and the dog retrieves it. Sounds a bit far fetched.