Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once my kids wake up, my only goal for the rest of the day is getting them back to bed...

   My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I'm at the gym or if I'm at Wal-Mart or at taco bell.

   Doctors be like "I know you're depressed so here is some medicine that causes suicidal thoughts."

   Forget about Prince Charming ladies, always go for the wolf. He can see you better, hear you better, and eat you better.

   Folgers got it all wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed naked after you pee.

   Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...

   If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, do I still need a logging permit?

   Philadelphia named angriest city. I believe it has a lot to do with the fact that the Eagles play there

   Hello, 911? I would like to report someone lying on Facebook.

   I've given my couch the best years of my life

   It's like my cat is the only one who understands me....... * Cat rolls her eyes

   My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded

   I've always heard to "live everyday like it was your last" but noticed how much people will actually frown upon that kinda lifestyle.

   How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams

   I don't understand how people can fall right to sleep after sex. I mean, are you just trusting them to leave on their own accord?

   We should be less worried about serial killers dumping bodies around the country and more concerned that it's always someone jogging that discovers them. THOSE are the people we should be looking out for...

   According to my bloodshot eyes I'm not approachable today

   Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

   It's like my wife didn't even TRY to clean the house while I went out to play poker... I mean, how am I supposed to live like this?

   Apparently, I tip hotel maids by forgetting my iPhone charger every time I check out. Every. Single. Time.