Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hopefully Kim Jong Un will mistake Dennis Rodman for his other uncle

   Through all the turmoil, tears and tribulations, she has definitely made me a better man. Bitter man, sorry.

   Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.

   The last time I was this drunk I got married.

   Does anyone know when is the Cut-Off date to STOP wishing someone Happy New Years??

   If you were a contest, I’d enter you.

   4:43am Neighborhood Watch Report: my neighbor gets a super creepy look on his face when he's sleeping.

   My tombstone will say, "She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard."

   I never get caught because I've watched all 27 seasons of Cops..

   Once my kids wake up, my only goal for the rest of the day is getting them back to bed...

   My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I'm at the gym or if I'm at Wal-Mart or at taco bell.

   Doctors be like "I know you're depressed so here is some medicine that causes suicidal thoughts."

   Forget about Prince Charming ladies, always go for the wolf. He can see you better, hear you better, and eat you better.

   Folgers got it all wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed naked after you pee.

   Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...

   If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, do I still need a logging permit?

   Philadelphia named angriest city. I believe it has a lot to do with the fact that the Eagles play there

   Hello, 911? I would like to report someone lying on Facebook.

   I've given my couch the best years of my life

   It's like my cat is the only one who understands me....... * Cat rolls her eyes